A Confederacy of Dickholes

A few months ago, I called someone out on Twitter for making a shitty fat joke. Not that there's such a thing as a good fat joke. Shitty fat jokes are shitty. (Even Sarah Silverman agrees with me.) Have I ever made one? I'm sure I have. But I'm also sure that someone called me on my shitty fat joke, and guess what? I don't make shitty fat jokes anymore.*

Some people would call me an asshole for calling anyone out on anything. Those people are probably right. But the way we're going to make this universe better for anyone is for each of us to call everyone on their shit. We're gonna learn, people. We're gonna grow. We're going to become better bastards of human beings if it kills us. (Spoiler alert: we're gonna die anyway.)

People do same thing for me, too. While I am aware of the white-privilege bubble that I currently bounce along in, being aware and having diarrhea spurt from my mouth aren't mutually exclusive. (And please don't give me the free speech talk. You have the right to say what you want. Everyone else has the right to call you out for being an asshole.)

I've been called out for an shitty joke. Sometimes they're right. And it smarts. And then I get smarter. That's not why they call it smarting, though. Or maybe it is? Language is weird.

Sometimes they're wrong. That's the beauty of the universe, too, is that you don't have to take anyone's word on anything. There are sitting members of Congress who still think our President was born in Kenya. Someone might call me out for using the word "asshole." You can catch more flies with honey, they tell me. But who the hell wants a wad of sticky flies? Asshole.

While my crabby exterior might suggest otherwise, I don't think making a shitty joke makes you a shitty person. The quickest joke is the easy joke which can often make it a shitty joke. Whenever I tread into shitty territory, I ask myself "who's the butt?" Because asking "who's the butt?" is fun to ask but also because figuring out who you're making fun of is the key to figuring out whether it's a shitty joke. Which is why I mostly make fun of Bigfoot now.

Let's write better jokes. And be better people. Or just pick one.

I'd like to think that the person I was an asshole to about their fat joke thinks of me when they're about to make another one, but they've blocked me on all the social networks. They're probably a murderer anyway.**