How to Win Your Next Breakup
While the six wedding invitations weighing down my fridge seem to indicate that love is in the air, it feels like breakup season around here. Most of my conversations lately seem to be with people who are splitting up the dogs, closing the joint bank account, and asking if I have an OK Cupid log-in they can borrow just to see who’s out there. We all know that breakups are the worst, and since my own messy inauguration into the world of the heartbroken many years ago, I’ve had plenty of opportunities to learn the best (and worst) ways to deal with the end of a relationship. The most important thing to keep in mind is that it is a contest, so what follows are some tips on how to win your next break-up. Good luck.
1. Embrace the pain. For one week.
You can’t think about anything other than how totally fucking unfair this whole thing is, and your friends know this, but we can only listen to so much bitching. Your pain is universal and understandable, but we told you to dump him months ago when you drank too much wine at dinner and told us about the diaper thing. But still, you’re sad, so for the first week, go on that liquid diet, listen to Phil Collins on repeat, and cry until your eyes are so swollen it looks like your makeup was done by a swarm of bees. While in your week of tears, I recommend getting to know the Magnetic Fields’ album 69 Love Songs, specifically track six, “I Don’t Want to Get Over You,” which will both make you feel less alone and make your realize how self-indulgent you’re being. Pay attention to this line in particular: “I could leave this agony behind, which is just what I’d do if I wanted to, but I don’t want to get over you.” Draw the shades and chain-smoke, but after seven days, you need to put on some pants and leave the house.
2. Meditate.
Every morning when you get up, I want you to make some herbal tea, settle yourself on your yoga mat, block out the sounds of the world around you, and meditate on what you really hate about your ex. Does he think that hot showers cause cancer? Does she bite her toenails? Just close your eyes, and think about it. It will also help to think of physical characteristics you find repulsive and imagine them transposed on to your ex’s body. Instead of thinking about his deep blue eyes, picture him pregnant. Instead of remembering her laugh, imagine her dirty-talking in Gilbert Gottfred’s voice. Do this for 15 minutes every morning and carry those feelings with you into your day. It will help. I promise.
3. Rebound.
The idea of sleeping with anyone but your ex probably makes you feel nauseous, but take an Alka-Seltzer and get yourself a rebound. The purpose of a rebound is not to foster human connection or even to have good sex: It’s to remind yourself that you can still get laid. And you can! Rebounds are most likely to be found at bars where the lighting is low and the drinks are strong, so slap some concealer on those eye bags and be glad you can’t eat when you’re depressed. Once you locate your rebound, do not, under any circumstances, think of him or her as a potential replacement for your ex. Falling into a new relationship right away is like treating a hangover with the-hair-of-the-dog: The shakes might go away for the moment, but you’re going to have to deal with the dehydration eventfully. Rebound and move on.
4. Beware of Facebook.
Facebook’s purpose is to break up your workday, normalize stalking, and tell you about all the parties you aren’t invited to. Facebook is for information, not emotions, and while channeling Morrissey in your status updates might feel good for a second — and let’s be real, you’re going through a break-up, feeling good is rare these days — do you really want your coworkers, high school friends, and (even worse) your ex knowing that you turned his favorite t-shirt into a pillowcase? No, you don’t. A public platform for your heartache is tempting because it’s all you can think about, but if you want to win this break-up, you must resist high drama and emotional over-sharing. No one likes that and certainly no one “likes” that.
5. Do the things you want your ex to think you are doing.
You would probably rather spend your time injecting heroin into your toes than deep breathing with a bunch of strangers who give each other meaningful hugs, but get your ass to yoga. Yes, yogis can be notoriously self-righteous about their chakras and menstruating in sync with the full moon, but no one has ever regretted finishing a yoga class. You might hate every second until the final resting pose, but afterwards, you’ll be glad you put down the box of wine and put on your stretch pants. If you really, really hate stretching, get stoned first. Everything’s more fun when you’re stoned. And maybe the next time you to run into your ex, it’ll be after an hour downward-dogging your way to psychic balance and tight abs. When he sees how good you look, he’s going to feel bad, and that’s the goal, isn’t it?
6. Give it time.
The bad news about time passing is that it leads to hair loss, muscle degradation, the gradual waning of your sex drive, and, ultimately, death. The good news is that it makes the poignant hurt of breakups temporary. In the beginning, you’ll think about it before you open your eyes in the morning. You may wake up crying. But after the first week, you’ll be in the shower before you remember that you’re miserable. And after another week, you’ll be on your second cup of coffee before you think about it. After a month, whole days will pass when you aren’t wondering about your ex at all. You’ll forget her smell, his voice, the way she looked at you in the beginning, and even how very devastated you were when it ended.
Soon, there will more breakups to win and lose, until, eventually, hopefully, you find the one that lasts. But that’s all in the future. In the meantime, try to keep a low profile. Don’t perform confessional performance art, show up at her new girlfriend’s house, or be the guy who cries at parties. Just make some tea, close your eyes, imagine his giant, pregnant belly covered in fur, and know that this really will pass.
This piece was originally published on Splice Today.
