On Alcohol: A Letter to My Hopefully Future Kids

Two nights ago, I went out to a bar, as college students tend to do from time-to-time. There I had a rather drunken epiphany: someday I hoped to have kids. This wasn’t exactly Isaac Newton getting plunked with an apple and coming up with the theory of gravity, but for some reason this idea manifested itself in a powerful way to me. At that moment, I also realized that I was substantially drunk, and wasn’t sure exactly why I had let myself get that drunk. I wasn’t having fun at the bar. I was just there to drink.

I began to think about my current stage in life, how totally unprepared I would be to take care of another living being. What follows is a letter to my possible future kids that I want to share openly because it is something that I need to get off my chest.

Dear future, possible children,

Kids, let me tell you something: Alcohol can really suck. I’m going to be completely honest and tell you that I am slightly inebriated as I start to write this (This was the most authentic way to say what I was thinking. I have gone back to edit to make sure that I stand by what I write here). It’s important that you know that. At this point in time you haven’t been conceived yet — you won’t read this until after you are — but I need to write this now. Alcohol could be one of the toughest issues you encounter in your lives. I am going to explain why, by sharing my own issues with alcohol.

I resist the urge of alcohol, when I wish to. For this reason, I don’t consider myself an alcoholic. But there have been times where I have drank way too much, enough for me to realize that I have an issue with the amount of alcohol I consume.

I have had a drinking problem. Not the kind from Airplane — a movie that I hope to show you at a youngish age and that you learn to appreciate — but a kind that makes you wake up in the morning hating yourself and regretting the decisions you made the night before. I’m not in a position to speak for other college students, but I hypothesize that this happens for way too many young adults. Alcohol can give you a fictional sense of euphoria. It can also be an absolutely destructive force.

I first drank alcohol junior year of high school. That was when my friends in high school started drinking. I wanted to fit in and be a part of a group. At that point, I had never drank enough or truly seen the negative effects that alcohol can have on a person.

I’ve never gone to rehabilitation, or received any treatment for this problem. I am lucky for that. Way too many people realize that they have issues with alcohol after it is too late. I’m thankful that my parents warned me about the negative effects of alcohol. But their warnings did not stop me from passing out on my front porch on New Year’s Eve, when I was 19 years old. I was so drunk that I couldn’t figure out what key on my keychain opened the front door. I woke up hearing the screaming of my mother and the terrified face of my younger sister as my father rushed to grab a dishpan for me to throw up in. This was the first time that it occurred to me that I might have a problem with binge drinking.

No one ever told me you had to drink to be cool. I drank because I thought it made me cool. In a lot of ways, it was what you had to do to be respected. It was just the norm.

Alcohol can make you feel like a king. For an amount of time, you feel that you are on the top of the world. All your inhibitions get lost. Alcohol allows you to blend in with others and feel that you belong in a place. The line between right and wrong blurs and it’s easy to cross.

It is important to understand the effects that alcohol can have on you and the only way to grasp that is to try it yourself. I just implore you to do so responsibly.

Unfortunately, there have been times where I drank to a level that was irresponsible to myself and those around me. No one ever forced me to drink. If anyone ever forces you to drink, please give me a call right away.

Understand that alcohol is a depressant. The more you drink of it, the more vulnerable you become. A while back, someone that was close to me told me that they thought I was depressed. It is terrifying that I let myself get to the point that other people thought I was depressed. While I am undoubtedly an emotional guy, I have exacerbated and drowned my emotions by drinking too heavily sometimes.

As I write this, I am only starting to come to terms with the effect that alcohol has had on me. I have cried before in my life, but this is the first time that I have felt absolutely ashamed. That’s because I drink too much, way too often. I hate that it has taken me this long to share this. It has had a negative impact on myself and those I care about.

I have always known that I have a weak bladder, but there have been too many times that I have woken up having pissed myself because I drank too much. I hope you don’t ever reach that level yourself. I had to pretend one time in front of my own family that our dog had pissed on our couch, when really I had mistakenly blacked out and pissed all over the seat cushions. I spent my 21st birthday locked in my own bathroom passed out on a toilet. That’s only one instance that I puked because of alcohol. It’s hard to count all the other times. Through all of this, I still couldn’t admit to myself that I had an issue with bingeing.

I’ve never explicitly had a conversation about this with my family. This essay will be the first time that they will learn that I have been struggling with this issue. I don’t want it to be the same for you. For too long, I have kept too many issues to myself. Kids, I want you to know that you can share absolutely anything with me. No one should ever have to go through this type of burden alone in his or her life. Please don’t be afraid to share these issues with someone else. I was afraid, and it almost led me to a place that I’m not sure I would have fully been able to come back from.

I am proud to say that my name is Kelvin Buckminster Read. I am the author of this essay. This has been part of my life. I am finally at peace to share it with others. But this is still terrifying to write.

Drinking allowed me to make friends and build connections. It also has made me feel alone and isolated. I don’t ever want you to feel that way. Some might perceive this admission of a problem as a sign of weakness. I made similar judgments about other people’s issues my freshman year, ignorant judgments that I never forget. Kids, if you have an issue, don’t be afraid to admit it. Some will judge, but it is important that you don’t keep it to yourself. Hopefully some will identify with my issues and reach out for support that they might not have looked for previously.

I’ve experienced peer pressure to drink. There have been times when I have given in to the pressure. There have been times when I have not. Peer pressure to drink is a serious issue, as is binge drinking. Though binge drinking might not be alcoholism, it can have many negative repercussions, especially when combined with peer pressure. I want you to be aware of that.

At this point in time, I don’t plan on giving up all forms of alcohol. I currently take a wine appreciation class, which is insightful and educational. There are certainly benefits of alcohol for mature adults. This letter acts as a reminder to myself to be vigilant of my consumption.

Kids, hopefully someday I can show this to you and you can say that you are proud to call me your dad. If you ever have an issue, do not be afraid. I will always be there for you.

Sincerely,

Kelvin Read