Regaining Joy

I was diagnosed with mental illness, along with an auto-immune disease that is quite serious, when I was only in my teens. The physical illness was very debilitating for me, and it prevented me from living the kind of life that a child needs to flourish. I was continually in pain, and was absolutely exhausted the vast majority of my time in Junior High, High School, and in College. Though this illness, which is intestinal, and is called Crohn’s disease, caused me to miss out on a more fulfilling existence, the depression and the anxiety which I experienced daily was especially difficult to cope with.

I spent decades with different Psychologists and Psychiatrists, attempting to extricate myself from the darkness which enveloped my life. I was hospitalized numerous times, either because I was suicidal, or because I had actually attempted to kill myself. This happened with regularity nearly every year, when I was in my 30’s. No matter how much Psychiatric Medication, or therapy I had, I was drawn into self-destructive behaviors, because I felt so downtrodden by both my physical and mental health conditions, and trapped by them. It seemed that there was no way out.

While I was hospitalized, at Stanford Hospital, I even endured Electro Convulsive Therapy, on a number of occasions. The doctors that administered it, were kind, and the procedure itself was done under a general anesthesia, but it was scary nonetheless. It left me disoriented and forgetful, and only seemed to alleviate my depression slightly, for very short periods of time.

I had lived in the SF Bay Area my entire life, when a friend moved to Ashland, Oregon, and I visited her for a week. I liked it so much, that with the help of my parents, I made the decision to move to the area for a month. I liked the feel of Ashland, and the surrounding natural beauty immensely, and I immediately felt happier while out of the crazy traffic, and predominantly materialistic attitudes of people living near Stanford University, and San Francisco.

It took all of my courage to move here. I found both a therapist and a psychiatrist in the neighborhood, on my own. It was the best decision that I’ve ever made. Working with both an outstanding female Psychiatrist, and female therapist locally, has changed my life in ways that were previously unimaginable to me. Both of these amazing women have helped to enable me to see myself more clearly, and view my flaws less harshly. My Psychiatrist has put me on a medication that I had never been on before, which has helped my anxiety level, and my depression enormously. Because of her persistence and belief in me, we have been able to in fact lower the number of medications that I am taking, while maximizing the benefits of the medications that I am on.

I am in a place now, where I never thought I’d be. I am in a small town, where I feel embraced by the community. I am calmer, I am happier, and I have not made a suicide attempt in the two years that I’ve been here. Though I wished so many times in the past, to annihilate myself, I no longer feel this way. On rare occasions, I will go back to that place for a short time, but I am able to work with those feelings and to get out of the darkness. Because of both of my docs, I feel empowered to work through issues that once nearly destroyed me. I now am confident, that I can make my way through the world, and through my life. Though there will often be stressors to deal with, and problems to overcome, I have grown tremendously as a person. And I know, that whatever comes my way, I will have the support I need. I will not be alone, but be enabled to work through difficult times successfully, while emerging even stronger in the end.