I wrote this tweet late last night:

#YesAllWomen B/c I feel bad when I have to point out to NICE MALE FRIENDS that it’s inappropriate to make comments about my body on FB.

— Nina Bargiel (@slackmistress)

May 25, 2014

Immediately, it had twenty likes and even more retweets — mostly from women. Because most women have had an experience like this. A lot of men — well meaning men, allies, even — think that misogyny comes from the Axe-Body-Spray-Wearing-Dillhole. It’s like thinking that child molesters are only the creepy dudes in raincoats.

That all exists. But there’s everyday sexism that’s all around you, everyday sexism that you may help perpetrate, the ingrained entitlement that you’re not even aware of.

This is privilege, because you have never even considered this is an issue, while most of your female friends have a story. It could even be about you.

I am not as eloquent as Jay Smooth when he talks about how to tell someone they sound racist. I feel like I have to tell you that this comes from a place of love and sharing, which is insane, because *I* feel the need to make men feel comfortable when I AM BRINGING UP A REAL ISSUE.

#YesAllWomen The point isn’t to make you feel bad. The point is that you are in spaces every day where misogyny is rampant. Say something.

— Nina Bargiel (@slackmistress)

May 25, 2014

A response to the shootings at UCSB has been ‪#‎YesAllWomen‬, which is a response to the “NOT ALL MEN!” retort when someone brings up misogyny, sexual harassment and rape, as if it’s more important to classify yourself as “not one of those guys” than to listen to a survivor’s story and perhaps see what you can do to help.

I see a lot of men — smart, educated, kind men, here and on Twitter, asking about what they can do. How they can help. They want to stop street harassment. They want to stop sexual violence. Which is good! I think we can all agree that if you don’t want to stop those things, you’re a terrible human being.

But there have been more than a few times, here on my Facebook page, where I have asked — kindly, firmly, politely — for men — the smart, kind, educated men who are my friends — to not make comments about my body. I’ve couched those requests in humor, because, you know, you don’t want to be labeled a “humorless feminist” or “uncool.”

And some of those smart, kind, educated men have continued to do so, thinking it all a joke, sometimes doubling down on their comments. And then *I* feel bad when I have to explain that NO THAT IS NOT APPROPRIATE. YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO DO THAT.

I am saying this with kindness, because the next time, I won’t be: these are the sort of things that contribute to the culture of misogyny. This contributes the idea that we’re just a pair of walking boobs. And when you start looking at people as parts, then they’re not people. And when you stop looking at people as people, well, bad shit happens.

YES! I said boobs! Because it’s my body, so I get to make the choice to comment on it. But it’s not YOUR body, so you do not.

I shouldn’t have to send private emails saying “you have a daughter. Can you imagine someone saying this to her?” Because I promise you, someone will. Someone probably already has.

If I — a foul, loudmouthed, and direct woman can’t get you — smart, kind, educated men — to understand, how do you expect mentally ill, steeped-in-misogyny and MRA teenagers to?

Maybe this isn’t you! THAT’S AWESOME! See that part about “NOT ALL MEN!” up top, and maybe think about what you can do to help others understand it, too.

Love and Rockets, Nina B. the slackmistress