In Israel’s ultra-Orthodox community, abused women are finding a way out
‘I thought if I endured, I would find a better place in the world to come’
Adapted from a story by The Washington Post’s Ruth Eglash.
Two days after giving birth, Reut carefully swaddled her fifth child and took a taxi from the hospital to a shelter for victims of domestic abuse.
Vulnerable and scared, she was finally escaping more than 10 years of humiliating verbal, physical and sexual attacks by her husband.
He was so controlling, she said, that he even decided when she could use the bathroom, which forced her to wear diapers.
“I thought if I endured, I would find a better place in the world to come,” said Reut, 32, who spoke on the condition that her full name not be used.
She grew up in Israel’s deeply devout and insular ultra-Orthodox community — and is willing to talk about her experience so that other women like her know there is a way out.
Characteristics of Haredim
- Ultra-Orthodox Jews, also known as Haredim, make up roughly 9 percent of Israel’s Jewish population of 6.5 million.
- With women having an average of nearly seven children, the community is expected to grow rapidly.
- Haredim are exempt from military service, and many shun work to focus on religious studies.
- They largely segregate themselves from the rest of society. That presents a challenge for the Israeli government, which would like to see them sharing the national burden.
Changes are happening, but slowly.
- More Haredim are signing up for the army, and an increasing number of Haredi women are working outside the home, giving them more contact with the rest of the world.
Domestic abuse in Haredim communities
“Domestic violence is universal — it happens in every part of society. But we have noticed an increase in the number of Haredi women seeking help in recent years,” said Ayala Meir, director of the family services department at the Social Affairs Ministry.
- There are two shelters in Israel dedicated to Orthodox and ultra-Orthodox Jewish women. It accommodates their dietary and religious needs.
- Between 15 and 20 Israeli women are killed each year by their partners, but Meir said religious women have not been included in those statistics until now.
- In one grisly case this year, a husband said he had been directed by God to kill his wife and walked through the neighborhood with her severed head in his hands.
“All abused women worry about leaving their husbands or breaking up the family, but in the Haredi community, it is even harder. The community lacks understanding, and the women can pay a high price,” said Orly Tobolski-Hadad, spokeswoman for Bat Melech.
A community of silence
Often, women have no one to whom they can turn. Discussing marital problems with, say, a girlfriend or mother is viewed as inappropriate. Rabbis and community leaders tend to turn a blind eye to the abuse, fearing that bringing it to light might damage their community’s reputation. In some cases, violent husbands and their abused spouses are counseled to stay together and work out their “differences.”
Other women’s experiences
- Moses, the daughter of an ultra-Orthodox Knesset member, Rabbi Menachem Eliezer Moses, said she became estranged for a while from her family after she divorced her husband.
- One woman at the Bat Melech shelter said her former husband was instructed by the rabbinical authority to work out the couple’s problems. She spoke on the condition of anonymity because, she said, he continues to stalk her.
“I just can’t understand why they would try to set someone up for the cycle of violence again,” she said.
An escape plan
For Reut, family intervention eventually saved her from her husband’s abuse. When she became pregnant with their fifth child, he sent her out to work as punishment. Her mother stepped in to care for the other children and noticed something was very wrong.
With the help of her family, Reut devised an escape plan: She would wait until the baby was born, then go straight from the hospital to the shelter. Her mother would bring the other children.
For the next 40 days at the shelter, Reut rested and began to deal with the trauma of her abuse.
“My husband used to make me leave the hospital straight after each birth. He immediately put me back to work,” she said. “It was amazing — I didn’t really know what it meant to rest, because I didn’t have any for 10 years.”
