Spirituality/Mindset/Life Lessons
How Trust in God Takes Me from (Inner) Darkness to Light
Divine mediation and the end of heart vs mind opposition
“When the door of opportunity of your storehouse opens for you, let faith and hope enter first. When your faith leads the way, you will locate the source of your hidden treasures.”
― Israelmore Ayivor
On 25th March 2024, I’m starting my first ever on-site job.
I started my professional journey in 2020 as a freelancer. Unlike many fresh college graduates who opt to work in the field, I had to explore the freelance world. It wasn't really my preferred choice at first, but since my associate degree program concluded just when COVID-19 showed its grimmest face, I didn't have a choice — whether it was pursuing further education or searching for an on-site job.
However, I couldn’t be more grateful for this journey. It was uncertain occasionally, but I was always learning — and that's what makes me feel really alive.
Naturally, (as an introvert), I prefer working alone, which makes me question why I’m switching to full-time work. However, I just feel that, at this point, I want a transition.
I want to taste what an on-site job looks like, and when my degree in Theoretical Physics ended in January, I sped up the process toward that goal. Whether it spiritually aligns with me or not remains to be seen. I'm going with the flow, however.
As I’m preparing for this move, occasionally uncertainty overwhelms me. Leaving for an on-site job at a time when I finally have time and focus to take the driving seat on my freelance journey seems a less prudent choice.
I have never worked eight hours in a row and never faced departmental politics, I'm told about. I always had the freedom to hibernate in my room or the university’s library if I wanted to. Similarly, I always had the liberty to work in my productive hours.
There was just one thing required of me: to meet the deadlines eventually.
All the concerns noted above have their share, but above all worries, what concerns me most is how I’d be able to take care of my mother — who’s not quite well lately.
In the challenge to balance work and life, many things take a backseat. Of course, without someone’s consent. That’s exactly why after applying for this very job in February, I forgot every bit about it when my mother’s health aggravated a week after the interview.
I never wanted to sign up for it. Thus, I lost all my thoughts about an on-site job adventure about half a month ago. However, it was my mother who pushed me to answer the offer this past week.
Mothers usually know where your heart is.
“Are you happy with my decision?” I asked her this morning.
“If you’re happy, I’m happy.” She replies.
To say that this job makes me resoundingly happy is not true. Even though I’m grateful for this opportunity (as it is just a fifteen-minute ride from my home), but now the situation is different from what I was planning a month ago.
My mind knows I may have better opportunities and even better circumstances to work (like in the comfort of my home, while also keeping my mother’s real-time health in check). Still, my heart knows this is a stepping stone I must cross to reach my ultimate goal or to revise its definition if needed.
My journey needs this turn and I feel it.
With all this confusion and the pain of being helpless over my mother’s health, I realize all over again how much I rely on God to keep going at life’s crossroads — a trust that's first and foremost for me.
The trust that manifests in:
How much I’m leaving behind on God’s trust. How much I’m hoping for everything to go smoothly. And how much I trust God with my mother’s health and that with everyone in the world.
And how much I trust that God has always had a backup plan for all of us if plan A doesn't work.
I have been taught to leave my faith at home — to avoid potential misunderstandings in the world outside familiar warmth. This also brought a restraining order on the clarity with which I was able to express how my faith anchored me when I was on a rough ride.
The literature that remains with us is a form of divine intervention — because the resonating one-liners start living within us.
One such incident for me was reading the starting pages of Elizabeth Gilbert’s memoir Eat, Pray, Love. I found her take on spirituality was different from mine, however, the energy oozing from pages helped me disentangle my (subjective) knots.
The part I loved most (because of its impact) was when she gave straightforward reference to God and did not just imply it.
Here you go:
“I need a proper name, in order to fully sense a personal attendance. For this same reason, when I pray, I do not address my prayers to The Universe, The Great Void, The Force, The Supreme Self, The Whole. (….)
I have nothing against any of these terms. I feel they are all equal because they are all equally adequate and inadequate descriptions of the indescribable.
But we each do need a functional name for this indescribability, and “God” is the name that feels the most warm to me, so that’s what I use.” — Elizabeth Gilbert
Since The Literary Underground is a home for your beliefs and opinions — as long as your choice of words is careful, I’d like to describe what the term ‘God’ encompasses within itself for me.
Here are some examples:
Like an average person, I’d make approximately 773,618 decisions throughout my lifetime. Out of these decisions, it is expected (by a survey) that I’ll regret one-fifth of them. When I am in regret mode, and when none of the voices from second-party observers solace me, that’s when I depend on God all over again.
When I’m facing a triggering situation, I can trust God to bring calm, knowing that every action we take affects our feelings (the language of the body) and thoughts (the language of the brain).
And when every part of the universe a person touches dies with their death, it naturally robs my compassion from being earnest. That’s when God comes to my rescue and reminds me repeatedly that there’s a reason we all still live.
And when my formerly stretched road dents (not without evaporating my energy), I wonder how will I motivate myself because now the locus of control rule appears fallible. That’s when I comprehended all over again that there’s always a way to find the bits still in control.
(Locus of control rule: how much people think they, and not the things they can’t change, can shape what happens in their lives.)
The list would go on, and looking back at life and whatever I’ve accomplished as of now despite my occasionally confused, overthinking, and dubious nature, it hasn't been short of a miracle that I get to choose from my heart no matter the fog of thoughts.
This last week before a new journey, I trust God again for His spiritual support, timing, and backup plan if needed.
I feel that the path may be rocky, but I have the comfort of being loved by the Almighty’s Universe. Which is the other way to say: I am not alone.
To anyone going through a hard choice or a hard part of life, please remember you’re not alone. You're destined to meet a supporting community — things just need a little more time and patience. And if plan A doesn't work, every other alphabet and combinations of them are there to choose from as well. May inner peace be with you, always.
“The more you go with the flow of life and surrender the outcome to God, and the less you seek constant clarity, the more you will find that fabulous things start to show up in your life.”
― Mandy Hale
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