June Prompt | Vulnerability
Who Am I?
The conflicting search for my identity
I have trouble understanding who I am.
My childhood was deeply rooted in toxic masculinity. Men were macho and strong; on the other hand, women were depicted as less competent, frail, and sickly. Raised by a father who regularly ranted about such values, my naive child self took his every word as truth. I had an obsessive yearning to gain his approval.
What I gleaned from my father’s comments and rants was that boys were better and stronger. I avoided dresses, feminine wear, and playing with other girls. Instead, I ran outside with the boys. I started to mimic the activities that boys around me did, like playing with action figures, watching WWF, and playfighting.
So as I grew older, having leaned more into masculinity throughout my childhood, I came to a conclusion:
I must be transgender.
Feminine clothes were uncomfortable. I didn’t like doing things considered to be girly. Was it just tomboyish behavior? I didn’t think so — I rejected all aspects of femininity.
I went to a psychiatrist, got evaluated for gender dysphoria, and was able to start on hormone replacement therapy. I changed my legal name and even received a double mastectomy…
