I Buzzed My Hair Off

In my next post, Hidden Ways We Hold Fear, I describe how one of those ways is by focusing on the things we don’t want. We’ve all done it, and maybe still do it even when we know better. There’s no need for guilt or shame here, but honestly, pay attention, how often do you find yourself saying, “well, I KNOW I don’t want this” and “I definitely don’t want that” or more subtly self-sabatoging with something like “Shoot, I think/know/worry/am afraid XYZ might happen because…?”

Learning to fix your focus on what you DO want is a skill that takes a lot of intentional practice! (Believe me, I’ve been working on it for years!)

In my memoir, to be published later this year, I describe how at my first oncology appointment I was terrified by the thought of becoming like a hunched, skinny, bald little lady we shared the elevator with. The thought that coursed through me like a bolt of electricity was, “what if I end up like that?” Terrified by the very thought, I whisked it away hurriedly.

Well, a few years later and I’ve basically manifested that reality. And before you tell me I’m being too harsh on myself, don’t worry, it’s ok. I’m at peace with the current size and stature of my body. Has there been grieving to do? Absolutely! Do I believe in the possibility of creating a different reality? Absolutely! And did I want to shave my head? Not exactly… there was some grieving there too, but it felt like the right thing to do and now I feel empowered knowing that I chose it, and even more so that I can genuinely say I’m ok with it. I still love me!

Here’s why I chose it:

About a month ago I had several rounds of radiation to my skull. The doctors warned me that I would lose some hair at the treatment site. I accepted that, but when my hair began falling out in fistfuls I was surprised by how much I was losing.

When on Valentines our sweet 4 year old saw the back of my head and said, “Daddy, look at mom’s hair” I asked him to take a photo so I could see. When he asked me not just once, but twice, if I was sure I wanted to see, I knew the hair loss must be pretty apparent. Still, I was sure I wanted to see. I still had hair in the front, on the sides, and in the back, so I could only guess what it might look like. He snapped a pic and I’ll admit I was a bit surprised. The view reminded me of Shmiegul from Lord of the Rings.

Over the next couple days I wore a hat and mentally and emotionally processed the big bald spot on the back of my head as I continued to lose more hair on one side. Colby threw out the possibility that I could buzz it and the idea tumbled around in my mind for a while.

Then one day it just felt right, but I didn’t want to admit it to anyone, myself included. I knew I’d come a long way in terms of attachment to my hair and appearance, but still I hadn’t planned on or expected to be bald. I cried. I hit a low point. Then I came to peace. Then I cried some more. And I found more peace. I gave myself time. Then I summoned the courage to tell my lover, who had already assured me he thought I’d look hot bald. Ha! The conversation went something like this:

Me: I want to buzz my hair.

Him: Ok. I support you. When?

Me: Tonight.

Him: Tonight?! (With surprise)

Me: Yeah… it just feels right and with Crew’s baptism tomorrow it feels symbolic, like a cleansing, like a fresh start… a rebirth.

So we did the thing, and that was that.

No more tears were needed.

It felt good to lose the weight and I’m enjoying the freedom! So many things are easier! When my cheer squad were done and admiring my bald head I finally got impatient and said, “well, could someone bring me a mirror so I can see too?”

And perhaps the most significant thing about it all is when I saw myself in the mirror I said, “I’m so glad I can genuinely look at myself in the mirror and love me just the same without my hair!” A few years ago that wouldn’t have been true.

My dear friends, your beauty is in your individuality! It’s not in your hair or your body shape or size, or even in what you do or don’t do!

It’s just inherent in you!! You were made to shine!