Peace in my body

I am sharing two journal entries that I wrote the day before and day of my latest procedure.

April 26th, 2023

From jetting off to the DR to a hot date with Mount Sinai West. I am not out of the woods yet.

A getaway, an escape. It was all I wanted. I deserve this!

But a true and pure respite is impossible when the issue I’m running from is my own body.

And like clockwork, my infection has flaired up again. Of course I wanted a week of poolside relaxation. More than a temporary escape though, I want peace in my body.

So I cancel the resort, the flights, I place my sunscreen aside, I reschedule to go under again. I will do whatever it takes to heal and truly move passed this. There will be another vacation. This recovery is the most important thing.

In my heart, I know this period of my life is temporary, but it feels endless.

I can honor the progress since December but still struggle to grapple with the challenges of April days. The moment I set my sights forward to a happier occasion, I’m reminded that there is a veil of uncertainty and a cloud of unknown.

It feels like the early days of the pandemic — What we thought would last a week or two morphed into months with no ending in sight.

I sleep better, I eat better, I look more like myself. I am working, I’m making plans with friends, but I’m also wearing gauze like an accessory with every outfit and swallowing 4 pills a day. My neck is stuff, hot like sunburn, itchy, and dripping. I’ve adjusted to this lifestyle most days. I do have very good days. But I also have my share of dark ones, overwhelmed with anger that I’m going through constant set backs, anxiety and fear of sepsis, exhaustion from the rollercoaster.

April 27th, 2023

When I checked in for surgery, the receiptionist picked up the phone and called out “escort for Hardman…” and no one came.

When she called me for surgery, I shared with her that my dad died a month ago yesterday, and his nickname was Hardman. She said there are no coincidences.

Dad, I know you are here with me. You’ve had time to get cozy wherever you are, and now you’re dancing and plotting. Sending healing and love my way.

Let’s wrap this up.

I feel totally at ease today. Could it be you?

I think these procedures won’t phase me anymore. I am very trusting, strong, content and secure. Everything will resolve. I can handle any situation to come.

Peace in my body.