Guys, Here’s How to Have a Sex Life After #MeToo
I’m gonna start with some harsh love about what’s getting in the way, then tell you HOW to level up, so stick with me even it this is a bit ouchie at first. I put lots of pics of naked people in the post to help it go down a little sweeter. (You’re welcome.)
We gotta rip off this band-aid now. Take a deep breath.
You wanna know how to NOT to ruin your sex life?
How many times have you showed up hungry, tired, stressed out, and generally in no shape to pay attention to anything other than stroking your phone or your own cock?
Stop it.
There’s nothing that will kill the spark in bed faster than putting your partner in the role of parent. She did not take you to raise. She is not your mommy and does not want to feed you, fuck you and soothe you to sleep every night if the favor is rarely returned.
Stop it.
How can you tell if your partner feels like you’re putting her in the mommy role? Have seen sparks of anger in your wife or girlfriend’s eyes over something trivial like how you load the dishwasher or forget to make birthday dinner reservations? That’s a big, red, waving flag that her needs in the relationship are not being met more generally, and she’s not having it any goddamned more. Since #MeToo I’ve had countless conversations with women about how much our expectations of our partners have been raised.
Being a “good guy” isn’t enough anymore. I’m here to tell you how to level up.
My fear is that guys are looking at themselves and thinking “It’s okay, I’m a good guy. I’ve never raped anyone. I’m learning how not to harass my colleagues and deal with my unconscious biases.”
That’s not enough. I’m really sorry. We actually need you to redefine and embody a new version of humanity that incorporates the healthy masculine and feminine energies. I beg of you — peel off the layers of toxic masculinity that cause you to suppress, objectify, and devalue women when they are expressing stereotypical feminine qualities such as being of service, emotional labor and child-rearing.
You’re gonna love what lies beyond #metoo. Promise.
All of us embodying the best of masculine and feminine qualities is gonna be bomb ass diggity fun. That sexually liberated, strong woman you admire and wanna fuck? Yah, she gets to come out an play then. The dream of women wearing sundresses made of half of nothing because they can in a world where they don’t get catcalled an harassed... that world is totally within reach. In that world she even hits on you. Many women, myself included, would to walk around half naked, hit on cute strangers, and have lots of orgasms. In today’s reality too often it’s just not worth it, sadly. Breaks my heart.
How the fuck do you get to that world? We don’t get to go to CandyLand without doing the work. I propose you put on your metaphorical lab coat and conduct an experiment…
Have a first person experience of embodying the feminine.
My humble suggestion — in one small way, poke a hole in toxic masculinity. Step outside the tiny box of bullshit masculine standards that have been imposed on you your whole life. There are lots of ways you could do this. I suggest you paint your fingernails or even just a pinky nail — yes, with nail polish. I’m choosing this because it violates the code of acceptable behavior for men. Nail polish fits solidly in the category of Things Women Do That Men Do Not Do.
Take a moment and look at these images. Do they provoke anything in you? Actually feel into the core of your body and see what physical sensations come up. Does anything come up in your throat, your heart, your belly? Does it make you ass tighten up? If so, breathe into that spot in your body and just notice it for a few seconds. Let the sensation get stronger if you can bear it.
Whatever came up for you, that’s part cultural conditioning and part your own personal beliefs about how a man should look. Perhaps you had no reaction at all, and that’s fine too. You might feel a more intense reaction if you painted your own nails.
Get curious about how you choose to present yourself and how that presentation affects the way others interact with you. See how people look at you differently. See how they talk to you differently. That’s the whole point. Remember, you’re a scientist conducting an experiment into the fabric of the society you’ve lived in your whole life to see what it’s like if you change a single variable.
You could choose something other than nail polish, like lipstick or stiletto heels, or whatever else strikes your fancy. I mean — you do you. I’m here for it 100%. Please leave a comment and let me know how it turns out!
How does this help your sex life, you ask? This experiment helps you gain a first-person experience for what it feels like to be devalued, set aside as other, and seen as your presentation instead of as your person.
Will you feel what it’s like to be a woman? No, you’ll experience what it’s like to be a guy presenting a feminine characteristic, which isn’t the same thing at all, but you will get to put your shield down for a little bit and have a very different conversation with people. Hopefully this will give you a brand new perspective that will let you ask deeper questions of your significant others and friends about what it’s like to be in their skin. New emotional intimacy makes her feel safe enough to go deeper into sexual intimacy. It’s simple in concept, if sadly not in execution. With greater empathy you won’t be so clueless as to why she’s so angry with you all the time over seemingly small stuff.
Take a walk on the wild side. I dare you.
I know you’ll likely be hassled for defying masculine standards, and that’s part of the point. When a cis-guy or gal points out that you’re not conforming, that’s your opportunity to notice what it feels like not to have 100% of your cis-man privilege. I’m asking you to poke at this cultural construction and see what happens. This will give you a tiny window into what it’s like to drop your shield.
You get to pick back up your shield up at any point. You’re only a $1.99 bottle of acetone away from wiping that nail polish away. Please note, the rest of us aren’t so lucky. We don’t get to go back to being a cis-dude when the going gets rough.
Guys, we need you to talk to your homies.
What I would LOVE is if this could become a way of signalling to other men that you’re someone that’s interested in talking about what’s after #MeToo. Guys, we need you to start to figure this out for yourselves. No one can do this work for you.
There are already some great groups such as Circling that are fostering such conversations. If you know of more, please leave a comment and I’ll add them to this list.
So, what’s after #MeToo?
I’ll be honest — I don’t know, but I do know how I’m figuring out my part of the puzzle. I’m writing a book of practical, physical exercises for all humans to learn to take better care of ourselves so that we can show up as fully functional humans. I believe that our emotional body is guidance system to direct us to doing our highest work, to love and be of service to all of those dear to us.
I’ll be shipping out card decks and guidebooks to a small number of alpha testers this summer to help me develop these exercises. Pop your email into this box if that’s of interest.
