You Might Have To Stop Having Sex To Save Your Relationship
Just for a bit, not forever.
I used to pride myself on never using sex as a weapon to get what I wanted in my relationship. I’ve been in long-term committed relationships for a combined 16 years and never once did I say “I won’t have sex with you unless…” either explicitly or implicitly.
Once I realized that I needed my relationship to work for me in every moment, I found out I needed to take better care of my little, wild beating heart. This meant checking in with my heart to see if it would be ok having sex. It answered back “I’m too scared. I don’t feel safe having sex right now.” Whoa.
Listen, I love having sex. I relish the closeness it brings. I’m a total oxytocin monster. It feels so counter-intuitive to say no to sex when you’re feeling disconnected from your partner. Yet, you’ve also probably had those times when having sex did more to kill your soul than refill it. There’s not much worse than trying to connect with your partner and the dynamic being off-kilter.
Aside: If you’re in a verbally or physically abusive situation, use your own best judgement as how to stay safe. This advice may not be right for you. Please get out as soon as you possibly can.
Communicate with your partner that you don’t feel safe having sex.
Hooboy this one is a motherfucker. It requires some massive courage to admit this kind of vulnerability. This is what makes you not a conniving, manipulative bitch or asshole. Your job is to show up as real. You’re not holding a threat over their head, you’re honestly communicating where you’re at in this exact moment. They probably don’t realize how bad of a situation you’re in. Even if you feel like they should, it is your responsibility to give voice to your own feelings and truths.
Then you can have a real, actionable conversation on what it would take to get you back to a place where you do feel safe. Perhaps you need more help taking care of the kids to feel rested and appreciated. Perhaps you need to make time to connect 1:1 without distractions. Perhaps you just need them to listen to how much pain you’re in without trying to fix it or defend themselves. Whatever you need, this is the time to ask for it.
As hard as it is to hear a no to these requests, remember that they do get to say no. Any pain that brings up in you is an invitation to heal that part of yourself. If they refuse to give time to repair your connection, that’s an invitation to become your own beloved. You fulfill that request. That kind of personal pain always invites us to love some part of ourselves we’ve refused to love.
The first time I took sex off the table I was afraid that if I shut down that connection with my partner I’d never open it back up again. It felt like death. I thought I was killing the relationship forever. Indeed, we did take a couple of weeks apart without much contact. Gradually we came back together and reassembled the pieces into what’s now a different-shaped relationship that works much better for both of us.
We started having sex again, but now only when it feels safe and light to me. If he texts me to make a date and my heart says anything other than a “hell yes” the answer is no. I’m not being mean, dismissive or bitchy — I’m for the first time ever totally centered in what I’m willing to give in any moment to my partner. I only give gifts of my time and attention. I no longer do things that I resent. I choose discomfort in that moment rather than later resentment.
Do you feel like you *must* have sex from your partner?
Are you afraid of masturbating? Are you afraid if you don’t have sex with them they’ll leave you? If they leave does that mean you’re unlovable and no one will ever love you? What other demons bark at you when you consider not having sex when you don’t feel safe?
I promise you that you are worthy of love and belonging. We all are. If you haven’t already, dive into the wonderful work of Brené Brown to build that inner courage and confidence.
You are not alone.
I’m writing a book of practical, physical exercises for all humans to learn to take better care of ourselves so that we can show up as fully functional humans. I believe that our emotional body is guidance system to direct us to doing our highest work, to love and be of service to all of those dear to us.
I’ll be shipping out card decks and guidebooks to a small number of alpha testers this summer to help me develop these exercises. Pop your email into this box if that’s of interest.
