Places to go that are far away from your awful relatives
“Your face is just a little to round for that haircut, darling”
We all have that one relative who complains incessantly about the lengths they are going to to make sure everyone has a lovely Christmas, but always refuse any help because you’ll ‘do it wrong.’
We all have that one relative who sit looking at, wondering when they’re going to come up on the national news for having the bodies of several missing persons buried in their back garden.
We all have that one relative who remarks you’re looking too thin, and also that you’ve put on a few pounds (‘Schrodinger’s weight gain’).
We all have that relative who, without fail, falls asleep somewhere they are not meant to.
We all have that relative who has never taught their viscous spawn to say thank you, and instead seemingly encouraged them to wail profanities at any given opportunity.
We all have that one relative who releases a bowel movement, then beams at everyone as if they have just won first prize in some sort of skilled craft competition.
We all have them.
Here are some places you might enjoy, and wish to consider for next Christmas. I won’t see you there:
Kerguelen Islands, Indian Ocean
Among the most isolated places on Earth, and also known as the Desolation Islands. There are no indigenous inhabitants, but France maintains a permanent presence of 45 to 100 scientists, engineers and researchers. There are no airports on the islands, so all travel and transport from the outside world is conducted by ship.
Sometimes I like to go here to unwind.
McMurdo Station
A United States Antarctic research centre on the south tip of Ross Island, capable of supporting up to 1,258 residents. Established in 1956, it has grown from an outpost of a few buildings to a complex logistics staging facility of more than 100 structures including a harbour, an outlying airport (Williams Field) with landing strips on sea ice and shelf ice, and a helicopter pad. There are above-ground water, sewer, telephone, and power lines linking buildings.
Essentially, a very gritty Center Parcs.
Ittoqqortoormiit, Greenland
A small settlement with a permanent population of under 500, and the most isolated town in Greenland. The region is known for its wildlife, including polar bears, muskoxen, and seals.
So many vowels, so few people.
Alert, Canada
A Canadian military outpost, and the northernmost permanently inhabited place in the world with a permanent population of around 5 people. For 10 months out of the year, Alert is either in complete sunlight or darkness all day long.
This place apparently has a ‘Downtown’ where there is an all-you-can-eat buffet. The more you know.
Tristan de Cunha, Atlantic Ocean
The name of both a remote group of volcanic islands in the south Atlantic Ocean and the main island of that group. It maintains a small tourist trade as the world’s ‘most remote community.’
Close to ‘Inaccessible Island’, for when you really want some peace and quiet away from the buzz of Tristan.
Foula, Shetland Islands
One of Great Britain’s most remote permanently inhabited islands. Owned since the turn of the 20th century by the Holbourn family, the island was the location for the film The Edge of the World.
Home to the world’s largest colony of Great Skuas and the worlds smallest colony of school children.
Bouvet Island, Atlantic Ocean
An uninhabited subantarctic high island and dependency of Norway, declared a nature reserve in 1971.
Uninhabitable island formed out of perilous ice and an extinct volcano, and carefully considered location for my holiday home.
Disappointment Island, New Zealand
One of seven uninhabited islands in the Auckland Islands archipelago. Home to a colony of white-capped albatrosses.
I assume this is where I was conceived.
There you go guys, my Christmas gift to you this festive season. Now get back out there and eat some leftover turkey. Or, if you live on Disappointment Island, leftover Albatross.
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