Grand-Au-Pair-enting

I found myself in the doctors AGAIN recently with a happy toddler & a screaming toddler. This was my third visit in less than a month. However this visit I was there for me. I haven’t been feeling so great, I had a gastro bug which refused to go & then my face started to swell with a viral infection.

I had been in with the doctor with the screaming toddler earlier in the week, he had slightly improved. I on the other hand had started to rapidly deteriorate. The week ended with me collapsing & been brought off in an ambulance. My little guy has had a tough time settling into the world. He has been sick a great deal & is probably the worse sleeper I’ve come across. I collapsed as I hadn’t slept in 5 weeks straight as the little guy had been sick & hadn’t managed to sleep himself.

The conversation began with my GP telling me I was suffering with exhaustion and did I not have anyone to help?

Like who, I asked?

Your mother? he replied.

The woman who I was in discussing her health with you no less than 3 months ago, that woman? I replied.

You want me to leave my son who screams hysterically non stop with a woman who is close to 70?

No, replies the doctor, what about your father?

The man who is recovering from cancer, who works 12 hours a day and is also nearly 70?

Ah… well, no, replies the doctor again.. What about your husband’s parents, he asks?

Gee, why didn’t I think of that I said….. at this point the sweat was rolling off me as I tried to hold the screaming toddler who was like a child possessed, I had a temperature and I was also trying to control the eldest who was having a good olde nosy around the doctors office. Well they’re busy living their lives too, I say.

Now I just want to clarify something, my parents are wonderful people. They have helped, supported & gave me a tremendous start in life, one I doubt I’ll be able to match for my kids. His parents are great too, they’re younger than my parents & kindly take the kids one night every 2–3 months so we can have a night away. They have done this despite the fact that the youngest can wake from 5 — 20 times a night!

The one thing they don’t do for us is what I and some of my friends call the “Hands On Granparentin”. They don’t child mind our children for us, so we can go to work, they don’t babysit on a Saturday night so we can go out, they don’t bring them to the park for an hour so we can have a sit down, they don’t drop them to playschool even when I gave birth 3 days beforehand and had stitches! They quite simply are there (sometimes) to go to for a cup of tea and a chat in their house. They visit when their invited for dinner, or if its a birthday but after that, we are on our own in this raising our children thing.

I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t struggled emotionally at times about the lack of support, or internally yearned for that loving help that comes from a hands on grand parent. To top it all of, I feel a lot of people out there are unaware of how tough it can be when you don’t have a Grand Au Pair-enting situation to lean on. I met a girl I went to school with out walking one Sunday, both of us with our families in tow… are you working she asks?

Ah no I mutter and go red (I’m still adjusting to my new life), are you I ask?

Oh yes, my mother minds the kids for me, she is great, sure where would we be without our mammies, she asked? Well I have the answer in my case, at home with the kids and on a stretcher in A&E!!!!!

My sister lives abroad and constantly commented that I’m extremely lucky to live close by to my parents. That was until I pointed out that they hadn’t come to my toddler’s party, that even my sister had tried to attend, that when I was having baby number 2, they were visiting her & when they arrived home my father went to work instead of visiting his new grandson ( this included going to a meeting in a town 2 hours away at night, & it could have been postponed, to make matters worse my brother organised the meeting ….NICE). When I asked my mother would she look at a dress I bought for my son’s christening, she said she was watching the tennis. As I said before their busy living their own lives & although I’d love the help I don’t begrudge them this time in their lives, they worked dam hard for it.

Call it jealousy, call it grand parenting envy, call it what you like. I’m not even sure what it is, myself. I suppose I’m just throwing it out there to all the other parents that have found themselves in this situation, to let you know you’re not alone.

So the next time you meet somebody that is hoping around about the joys of parenting, who are flanked by two people who have combined circa 90 years of parenting experience, you should commend yourself for the job your doing without the extra help.

My grandparents worked right up to the point they couldn’t, by choice. What role models they were to me, hardworking, independent & self sufficient to the end, all characteristics I’ve had to have in bucket loads over the past four years. So if your not having one of those typical Werther’s Original type grand parenting experiences with your parents, not to worry. You & your kids are gaining something else out of the experience, & although it’s not worry free childminding it’s something truly grand in itself.