Just Tell Me You Hate Me And I’ll Be Your Best Friend Forever!!
I’ve recently made a discovery about myself. I’m needy.
Actually that’s a lie. I’ve always known that about myself. But what I didn’t realize is my sadistic need to be liked or needed by people that don’t want me!
I suppose on one level it’s the oldest cliche in the book — women love a bastard. And I guess we all long to feel needed on some level. But since becoming a mother, I want more than ever to be accepted by all. Am I seeking approval for my choices? Am I in some way seeking validation as a mother? Or is it the fear of rejection?
If I’m not loved, am I a bad person?
Being at home full time lends itself to a lot more thinking time where I can gently berate myself for various things not done, or muse over world problems. And it can let you inside your head far too much. On days where you need another adult to balance your point of view, and all you have is two tiny people looking back at you, it can be tough to gain perspective. A small problem can escalate when a busy working friend can’t return your call or text.
A post on Facebook can make you feel like the loneliest person in the world.
So when you do eventually leave the house for that much needed social escape, if you are met with confrontation or disapproval it can be quite an overwhelming experience. I was just sitting at home minding my own business, what did I do wrong??? Lets be best friends, and then I can make it all better! Please be nice to me, I’m tired and feeling a bit battered about…
Nobody wants their ‘bad bits’ exposed, and as a mum, you can sometimes feel like there is a lot of them. We need to follow the courage of our convictions in raising our children, they cannot pierce our parental veneer. Like a swan on the water, we are calm and confident but underneath we are thrashing away hoping to God we are turning out good human beings. So when we are challenged by other adults, it can make us doubt ourselves all round. This is not always a bad thing, but it can be a bitter pill to swallow when you are not universally loved!
Thank you for reading x