Ladies, Be Kind To Each Other (And To Yourselves)

Having a baby is one of the most natural things in the world. Parenthood is incredibly rewarding, yet it can also be very difficult. Every day I question myself as a parent. Am I too strict with my children or am I strict enough? Do I spoil them? Do I really listen to them? Why is this so hard? I’m sure most other Mothers out there feel exactly the same. So, it is that every morning, riddled with parental insecurities, I head out into the world.

Over the past few years, I have started to notice how judgemental parents (including myself) can be about each other. I too have shot a look of annoyance at the Mother of a toddler destroying a shop display or screaming their head off during a movie at the cinema. What gives me the right to do this? It’s not like my children are paragons of virtue. Like any other child, they certainly have their moments.

My children have had tantrums at the worst times, in the most inappropriate of places and to add insult to injury I have handled situations badly out of frustration and ended up making a holy show of both the children and myself.

However, it is not just looks and comments from strangers that make us feel judged as parents. A wrongly worded comment or flippant remark from a friend or relative can do the same. Maybe it’s time that we all tried to be a little nicer to each other? Passing comment on parental choices just because they are different to your views can be upsetting and wins no favours in the long run.

While we are on the subject, perhaps we could be nicer to ourselves too? No matter how judged we feel by others, most of us reserve our harshest judgement for ourselves.

I have passed many hours drinking tea and chatting with other Mothers while we collectively beat ourselves up over various parenting decisions that have been made. From guilt over feeding (breast v bottle), to pain relief during childbirth, baby led weaning and destroying the environment with disposable nappies, we have covered the spectrum of parenting ad nauseam.

Now I’ve always been very sensible (or so I thought) about the process of child birth. The most important thing to me is that baba arrives safely into the world. Baba 1 arrived unscathed into the world gently and easily. Things were not as straightforward with baba 2 and he was born by emergency c section.

Fast forward three years. I was discussing childbirth with another Mother when I found myself blurting out ‘I feel guilty that I had a c section for baba 2’.

Woah there now! WTF?? Where did that come from? If someone else said that to me, I would be instantly soothing them that the safe arrival of baba is the main thing and that the medical professionals did what they HAD to do under the circumstances.

Now I don’t know about other hospitals, but there wasn’t anyone at the foot of my bed in the labour ward handing out medals when my babas were born. As there were no medals to win, why would I feel guilty? Who was to blame for my child birth guilt? Family? No. Friends? Certainly not. The finger was pointing right back at me. I was judging myself for my baby being born in the safest way possible given the situation we were in. Have you ever heard anything more ridiculous? For almost four years I had been subconsciously scourging myself at my own custom built pillar for no reason whatsoever. I’m glad I admitted guilt that day, realised how ridiculous it was and moved on.

Ladies, we are all paddling along through parenthood. Wouldn’t it be great if we acknowledged that there are times and situations that we all struggle with? That judging ourselves and other mothers is not the best way forward and that we should support each other as best we can. Next time we see a small child throwing a tantrum, maybe we could keep a neutral face or smile encouragingly at the Mum? Maybe we could remember that our own children do sometimes act out and judging anyone isn’t helpful. Maybe if it is our own children acting out we could take a deep breath and remember that it happens to everyone. We are not alone, we are together in this process of parenthood.

Remember ladies, be kind to each other and to yourselves.