Why I Crave An Adult Conversation
Today I had a quick but meaningful conversation on Viber with a very like minded friend of mine.
It really helped me realise what I do and don’t care about.
Since becoming a mum, reality hit me.
I had no idea this would have been such a lonely time, and that I would be desperate for adult conversations.
In the last few weeks I tried quite hard to be out there, to meet mums, to be as social as possible, and I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s not for me, and I’d rather embrace loneliness than waste my time with people I don’t really know, and who don’t really know me, and with whom I only have one thing in common: we all had a baby.
This society has tried very hard to convince us that this type of family composed by mother, father and children is “normal”. In reality, it is very not normal! As a matter of fact, it is indeed true that it takes a village to raise a child.
Our mothers and grandmothers had less rights and were less emancipated — and that sucks big time and I won’t go back to that at all — but they also had their network of family and friends who would visit them every day, and support them during this challenging time.
We have nothing like this. We have moved away from our families because we wanted to have a better job, more opportunities, a better life, more freedom, and here we are, alone in a different country, full of several lonely families, full of several lonely selves.
Some days it really seems like everyone around us is immersed in their own loneliness, their own self-referential reality where only their job, their kids, their spouse matter. As if the world outside didn’t exist.
And then we meet those people, and it’s all chit chat. “We should have you for dinner one of these days” — the neighbour started saying around three years ago. “We should have wine” — said someone in the mums group, except everyone is so busy all the time, and it’s never a good time to get the fuck out and just have the damn wine. “We should meet more often” — this was said at a neighbour leaving party with all the other mums in the estate. Those who wouldn’t even spend two minutes to talk to me when I was child-free and that now only talk to me about children, and can only say stuff like “it goes so fast” (yes, I know that) and “enjoy every moment” (I’m already doing it, thanks).
I don’t really care about this. I am more than this. I was more than just a mother before becoming a mother, and I refuse to abandon the old self because I have pushed a baby out of me.
Dear mamas, coming to your weekly meetings for weeks hasn’t enriched me even a bit.
All it did is it made me feel uncomfortable, weird, different. Yes, it reinforced the idea that I am different, and as a matter of fact, I love it.
It also made me annoyed, as it seems that all other newborns in the world sleep 12 hours in a row, without waking up even for one feed, even if they’re breastfed. And I think it’s a lie. And if it is, I like you EVEN LESS for saying that lie to someone who has been waking up every 3 hours since she got pregnant a year ago.
I don’t need this. I don’t need these shallow, kids-centred relationships. Yes, I will talk about kid stuff for hours with my friends, but I know that these people know me, I know them, we can talk about dirty nappies but we can also talk about our dreams, our feelings, our souls, our projects, our past, our fears, our hopes.
In conclusion, I have made the executive decision that I will STOP trying hard to follow the advice “make some mum friends”, “get out of the house as much as possible”, and so on.
It may have worked for some, it doesn’t work for me.
I will spend my time interacting with my daughter, and when I have some free time, I’ll bake, play some music, sing, read books, write books, share hopes and dreams with my significant other.
And if, while I’m happily walking on this path, I meet a wonderful flamboyant amazing mum friend, than she is more than welcome to come into my life, the door is open.
By Giorgia Anile
Originally published at loveisintheeire-blog.tumblr.com.
