Eye to Eye

“I can’t believe my younger brother is going to outgrow me,” Teddy muttered. I had hit a huge growth spurt over the summer of my eighth-grade year and showed no signs of stopping. Even when I inevitably passed Teddy in height, I still felt like I was always looking up to my big brother.

As far back as I can remember, I have always admired Teddy. He played soccer in third grade, and I was the most dedicated preschool-age fan his league had ever seen. I would sneak into his room while he was at school and put on his oversized neon jersey that would fall down to my knees. I spent hours in our backyard booting around his soccer ball with all my might, just like I saw Teddy do in his games. Naturally, I followed in his footsteps and started playing soccer in kindergarten. I was so excited to learn soccer well enough to where I could practice with my brother, but by that time he had moved on to baseball. When Teddy told me he was quitting soccer, he gave me his neon soccer jersey that finally fit me, but I did not want it anymore. I had my eyes set on his new crimson red baseball shirt.

My tendency to imitate Teddy continued into middle school. He went to a boarding high school and started listening to rap music. I saw him on Thanksgiving break of his freshman year, and he showed me some of the albums that he had discovered while at school. When I heard the explicit lyrics rife with drug references coming out of the speakers of his iPod Touch, I felt like I was clued into what all the cool high schoolers were listening to. I eagerly began listening to rap myself. It did not matter to me the specifics of what my brother recommended me; as long as it had his endorsement, I was in.

I finally overtook Teddy in height sometime during my sophomore year of high school. He had been off at college for a couple of years by that point and I only saw him during summer break. As we began to spend more years apart, I started to develop my own self-identity. I dug beyond the recommendations he gave me and discovered entire subgenres on my own. I was able to use the knowledge of music that he instilled in me to find friends who shared similar interests. But even after having time away from Teddy to develop my own tastes, I still follow in his footsteps. I still drop everything to listen to his music recommendations or look into a director he mentioned, no questions asked. I guess that after all these years, I am still just trying to be like my big brother.