Yesterday didn’t really feel like a day off. If anything, it felt like I spent way more energy than I was supposed to, and I’m still searching for the receipts to see what I got for it all. I felt depleted this morning, and not particularly motivated to get started on my tasks like I usually am. I had some strange, lucid dreams last night which had a jarring effect on my headspace, even while being wide awake. It was the second night in a row that the vividness of my dreams lingered in my mind. So I recognized them as a cue from my subconsciousness to examine something in my waking life — I can’t pinpoint what just yet.
Whenever I experience recurring lucid dreams, I write about them in my journal and then begin to extract the dominant symbols that appear, with hopes of finding patterns and meaning. In these latest dreams, I recall scenes where there was a baby that wasn’t mine but spoke to me its pain through its eyes, floating ugly masks, a coach bus that almost pulled off without me, friendly strangers blocking traffic to help me cross the road and get on the bus, multiple men vying for my attention and love, a hidden room with an unmade bed and large wooden wardrobes filled with stuff that wasn’t mine, and groups of people who stood by watching me solve problems.
It’s Friday and it’s been raining all day. I don’t know what I’m feeling but it’s definitely not the clear sentiments of eager excitement to keep at my entrepreneurial projects today. So I told myself to just follow the flow; to do what I feel like whenever I feel like it. I’m happy that I felt like writing.
I think I’m about to smoke a joint too. brb.
Well, well, well — now that I’ve taken a few tokes, everything is suddenly obvious. I know what my problem is. And I know what to do about it.
But before I tell you, do you know how I know when I’m high?
I start dancing — like doing exaggerated, playful, impromptu moves, performing for myself in front of the mirror, and vibing to the music. With my body moving rhythmically to the beat, I feel an instant elevation in my spirit. My heart starts pumping faster, and that feels like a rush of energy. I find myself smiling and looking at my reflection, hearing my thoughts hyping me up like the Inner Best Friend we all need. All the noise, the ambivalence, and the confusion I’d been feeling at the start of this post have gone quiet and I feel connected to myself from an internal, serene and self-accepting place. From here follows clarity. I’m lifted.
What became evident is that this week, in the midst of all the excitement to jump headfirst into planning and preparing for UME’s launch party (which as of now, is 15 days away), I neglected to do any of the core recreational activities that I had already determined were essential for my sustained creative energy. All these incorporate high adrenaline, great music, and dance movement with groups of people on the same frequency.
Working independently and from home can quickly become monotonous and creatively uninspiring if not counterbalanced with an equal amount of physical movement and going out, attending gatherings, interacting, and meeting new people. These acts allow me to discharge my own stale energy and then refresh from collectively generating new energy with others in close quarters. This week I haven’t put on my skates. I haven’t taken a dance class. I haven’t practiced yoga. I haven’t networked in person. So while I’m so proud of myself, and feel pleased and grateful for all the latest developments, something deep within also feels disappointed— this was the sentiment I couldn’t pinpoint.
The internal conflict arises between the parts of Self that celebrate my recent successes and the Inner Critic who arises to ruin the party by pointing out something important that I’ve neglected. See, I created this weekly operating schedule and built-in two nights a week when I am supposed to attend an event, do something physical to burn energy, or explore a new scene for networking. And the reason I came up with this plan was to ensure I designated time each week to do the things truly essential for maintaining a balance between work, expansion, and self-care. These are the type of actions I’d easily make up excuses for not doing when it came down to it.
However, when I designed UME, I also created it based on User Experience Research I had conducted for over a year. From the data and insights gathered, I made a business plan with clear methods to lead me to seven-figure earnings. Consistent, in-person attendance twice a week to events contributes to accelerated business growth and sales. In the past, I’ve known this but lacked the follow-thru, so this time around I came in particularly committed to sticking to the script.
Yet by choosing to focus exclusively on at-home tasks this week, I broke promises to myself and was paying for it emotionally. For example, on Wednesday, I had every intention and desire to attend a holiday mixer for entrepreneurs at a brand-new workspace in Queens. I mean I really wanted to go. I had RSVPd over a week ago, reconfirmed that morning, and had outfits ready. But when it was time for me to get dressed and stop working on designing the NYE party webpages on the UME site, I found myself unwilling to leave the task undone. In the moment, I told myself that finishing what I started was more important than stopping to go to the networking mixer.
Even still, I have to admit, I felt my Inner Child pout and throw a tantrum once she realized I was letting her down. She wasn’t gonna get to put on a pretty dress and go meet new people after all. And she had been waiting patiently all week while I worked tirelessly, looking forward to having some fun. She doesn’t take disappointment well.
The thing is, upon reflection, I’ve been making excuses for the last five days, ignoring the muted whimpers coming from within to go outside. I’ve been neglecting my physical needs, leading me to have a deficit of energy moving through my being. Now it’s Friday and I’ve ended up feeling wilted like a dehydrated bouquet of flowers. I MUST dance or really move my body TODAY!
Physical energy is the counterbalance to mental energy for me. When I create and bring visions to life, the primary tools I utilize typically have me seated with limited movement. The concentration of energy is in my eyes, the top of my head, and in my hands. But the rest of my body is not equally engaged. Energy becomes stagnant because I’m simply not doing much to help it pass through me. With continuous immobility, my energy levels fall, my mood slumps and my motivation falters. And that’s what I was feeling today.
Now the lucid dreams are starting to make sense. My Inner-Self is telling me to go out and move my body, to go refill with new energy. So I’m gonna go out tonight. There’s a big dance party and I paused writing just to purchase a ticket. Let’s see how this goes…
~SuperGoode
