How I Manage My Depression
A book recommendation
I realize ‘depression’ is a clinical term, and I, not being a physician or a therapist, am probably using it wrong. But I don’t know how else to describe what I feel.
Like clockwork, every day in the late afternoon, I feel sadness, loneliness, and loss of purpose and meaning in existence. I grieve without cause, and sometimes, the feeling is so overwhelming that it’s hard to breathe.
In the mornings, I wake up fine. I make plans for the day, go over my to-do list, read, write, take my kids to school — life goes on. After dark, I drink a bit of ale, hang out with my husband, and perhaps see a film. I go to sleep feeling well.
I don’t know why, but every day, I feel a complete and crushing sadness around 4 to 8 p.m. I long to be in love with a man who doesn’t exist. I want to live in a world of knights, kings, magic, and duels. It sounds stupid as if I don’t have real-world problems (I do), but they just don’t matter in that state. If you woke up one day as a giant moth, are you still worried about the cable bill?
There is a deep underlying sadness that yearns for something which doesn’t exist.
Throughout my entire life, for as long as I can remember, I’ve always dealt with looming depression. Tasking myself with daily chores and keeping my mind busy helps. I’ve turned my imagination into a raft, so my soul doesn’t drown. But get in a habit of always having your thoughts chatter in the background, and that is a whole different kind of drowning.
I have no book recommendation that cures the feeling of incomplete, the longing for which doesn’t exist. But the following three books have helped me rein in my mind that I’d lost control of at some point.
Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle
A mind is a tool for solving problems; use it as needed but set it away otherwise. Because when you run out of real problems to solve, your mind starts creating phantom ones. Trouble is, imaginary ‘what if’ problems don’t have real-life solutions. ‘What if, what if, what if?’ your mind churns, and each time the question is asked, the imagined problem worsens.
Another important takeaway from this book is to realize that for feelings to pass, you at first must acknowledge them. If you’re angry, accept that you’re angry. If you’re sad, allow yourself to be. Allow feelings to bloom, so they may wilt in their time.
Still the Mind by Alan Watts
I’ve read many Alan Watts books and they meld together in my memory. An English author, speaker, and thinker well known for popularizing Buddhist, Taoist, and Hindu philosophies in the West, Alan Watts’ interpretation of these old traditions are incredible. I recommend any book by him.
Although the following quote is not original to him, it’s one of my favorite from ‘Still the Mind’.
The past is a memory. The future an expectation. Neither past nor future actually exist. There is simply eternal now.
The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck by Mark Manson
I have not read this one but heard it as an audiobook, and visually is how I retain information. So, I can’t give you an exact quote but the gist is: it’s not that you shouldn’t give a damn about anything, because that is impossible. But to find something better to give damns about, so nuisance such as likes on a post matters less in comparison.
Although this one can’t hold a candle to the other two, I still recommend it because one thing connected deeply and stuck with me from this book: say to yourself, “Then you die.”
What the author means is that in the grand scheme of things, does this really matter? You’re mortal and you’re going to die. And as you lay dying, does it really matter that a man flipped you off on the highway today? If not, let it go. Time is short.
In conclusion
I manage my depression by keeping my mind busy. I deal with my feelings by drowning them in thoughts, but sometimes it floods — and for those times, I recommend the three books above to read.
I think everything in life, and probably the whole universe as well is a balancing act. The mind and soul are yin and yang. When one turns dark, the other alight. And in a moment of perfect harmony, which I have experienced before, everything is beautiful… for a length of a breath.
Then the beauty becomes nostalgia, then the nostalgia turns to sadness — on and on it goes, until I say to myself, “Then I die.”
