The stories we tell ourselves
I used to be obsessed with the line between “real” and “fake.”
After living in New York City for a while, I was confused by Wall Street culture. But I felt stupid asking questions.
So, I gave myself a DIY education to figure out how it works. I read the financial section of the paper religiously. I read Michael Lewis books. The big words men in fancy suits used at the bar went from intimidating to ridiculous. Suddenly, asking questions didn’t feel stupid anymore.
I remembered my American History classes also never made sense to me. And I assumed I was dumb. Then I read Howard Zinn. For the first time, the world started to make sense.
Through this wildly time consuming process, I’ve realized a lot of things are intentionally obfuscated. Especially in America.
Living abroad taught me America is SO pretentious for absolutely no reason. Money is a completely fabricated concept. The stock market. Religion.
The world, society, all of it — is just a story.*
Even ourselves.
The past few years, I have struggled with my own story.
I experienced a LOT of trauma growing up. My spirit broke a little in pre-teen years. I can only remember a few things before the time I was driving. All my friends in high school were escaping home issues (including myself, I was not above this shit). Lot of drugs. Lot of partying. A lot of people didn’t make it.
I tried what feels like everything in my twenties.
I’m 31 now and the last few years are shockingly chaotic when you lay out what I’ve been doing — it’s actually very funny. I have moved all over the world. Lived on a $1 a day to making more money than I ever thought I would, then back to a meal a day. Had insane but amazing relationships.
My comfort level is having two worlds I can simultaneously juggle and flip between. Compartmentalization was how I survived my trauma days. The past few years, my journey has brought my perceived ‘world’ count to five. Then I think my brain started to break a little.
Flipping between five worlds is madness. An astrology reading recently said “you’re learning how to not be everyone’s favorite mirror”. Touche.
I struggle with anxiety. I always have. I get very concerned with how I frame my story to other people.
While I know it’s ridiculous, distilling it all into one story is difficult for me.
And while I would love to believe people see past framing and into your inner depths — from my experience, that is not usually the case. When it does happen, it is miraculous and magical. And NOT to be taken for granted. For what is essential, is invisible to the eye.**
I used to HATE the word journey. It still gives me the ick. But understanding our own journey, and framing it in a way to ourselves that helps us move and grow is everything. Reality is perception.
Owning our story.. it is that simple.
And I wish it was something people were more comfortable talking about in an open way. Especially helping younger people who have been ‘through it’ in some way in their own journey.
Hence, this.
*There are ‘real’ things aka chemistry, physics, science…etc. You DO have to read the actual material though, you can’t just look at a news headline. Because the headline is someone’s story of the thing. Even though reading the actual thing makes you a nerd.
