To Pursue a Dream or To Choose Love?
The opposing views of choosing between dream and love, and how to decide when we have to
Many people, especially those aspiring tech moguls sprouting everywhere, who made Elon Musk or Jeff Bezos their new gods said, Choose your dream. But Mark Manson, a famous self-help author, suggests, Choose love instead.
So how do I decide?
If You Choose Love
Psychotherapist and Couples Councilor Esther Perel explained on cheating, “One of the most uncomfortable truths about an affair is that what for Partner A may be an agonizing betrayal may be transformative for Partner B: affair as a form of self-discovery, a quest for a new (or lost) identity. For these seekers, infidelity is less likely to be a symptom of a problem and more likely an expansive experience that involves growth, exploration, and transformation. Sometimes, when we seek the gaze of another, it’s not our partner we are turning away from, but the person we have become. We are not looking for another lover so much as another version of ourselves.”
Deception, betrayal, or whatever you want to associate with cheating is damaging. It is downright immoral. But analyzing to its core, the decision to do it may not be related to the relationship itself but pertains only to the person who did the act.
Asking the question “Why did you do it?” may provide several answers, and one of them could be, it makes me feel alive. Liz Gilbert, in her autobiographical book, Eat Pray Love, confessed early on that “she doesn’t want to be married anymore.”
She built her life on what was expected of her when she reached that certain age. But she realized that isn’t what she wants, and in trying to fit into the societies’ mold, she has lost her sense of purpose and meaning.
She now regrets the decision she’d made. Regret morphed into hatred, and it killed the relationship.
How can you give your best to the people you love if you feel like something is lacking in your life, and the feeling of regret for abandoning your dream haunts you consistently? How many couples do you know whose marriage ended in divorce?
In this case, love is not the answer anymore.
If You Choose Dream
Howard Hughes went on a dream-fulfilling spree during his lifetime; a successful entrepreneur, investor, pilot, engineer, film director, and philanthropist.
He achieved many accomplishments in his life, including setting world records in aviation, founding several companies, and winning Academy Awards for his film. But despite all these accomplishments, he died alone.
He spent most of his later days with his aides as a recluse. Dying with no will and direct descendant, his distant cousins and others began snatching all the material wealth he had left behind.
How can you be happy with your accomplishments if you’ve got nobody to share them with? Money can buy you comfort and security, but it can never buy you genuine love and company.
In this case, the dream is not the answer anymore.
The Way We Decide
Eight years ago, I chose to pursue my dream. I left the country to work on a ship, even though I know this will make my relationship with my then-boyfriend harder. Eventually, after five years together, we broke up.
For a certain time, I regret it, feeling tremendous guilt inside. I blamed everything on myself and eventually got depressed. In my mind, I made the wrong decision, and if you ask me at that period in my life, I’d say I should have chosen love.
What if I chose to stay? Will I have my own family now and end up happy? How can I know?
But thinking about it now, I wouldn’t change a thing. I may have chosen to end it in a different way, but I’m ok with what happened. But who knows how this decision will affect me in the future?
My point is, most of us change our minds a lot, and along with it, our preferences and goals change. If we’re going to do the same thing repeatedly, even if it doesn’t provide us any growth, just because it’s what we decided to do, then there will be no progress.
We set goals based on what we know at the moment. We can only control our decisions, but we can’t really predict what will happen in the future and how it can affect our lives.
There are people though who are comfortable alone and chose to stay alone. I have an aunt who didn’t marry, and now she’s got two dogs as company. When asked about getting older alone, she said, “Whatever God gives me, I’m happy.”
She’s contented with her life, and if she is destined to live and die alone, she accepts it. She only wanted to give her mother, who died years ago, a comfortable life, and she did it well. That’s enough for her already.
My father chose to work in our country instead of working overseas, even though that means giving up his dream. My sister and I were able to live and spend time with both our parents.
With his death, nine years ago, I cannot know if he had any regrets about his decision. But his sacrifice sure made a great impact on our lives and well-being.
What Do You Value, What Is Your Priority?
Answering these personal questions is crucial. For with everything else that you do, it starts with you, your core, yourself. How can you begin a project if it contradicts what’s essential to you?
How can you be in a relationship with somebody if both of you constantly fight for what you believe in? How can you make an important decision if you don’t know your priorities and what you value?
We are all unique in some way, and we don’t want the same thing. People may have a different response to these questions, and there is no wrong answer.
And sometimes, you don’t even have to choose between dream and love, as you can have both.
Love allows the other person to fulfill their purpose, flourish, and be the best version of themselves. Otherwise, it is possession. A dream must provide a person balance and allow him/her to be a full human being and help prosper in all aspects of life. Otherwise, it’s an unhealthy obsession.
No matter what we decide, repercussions are waiting for us. By choosing love, we get to face the consequence of giving up our dreams. On the contrary, by pursuing our dreams, we get to face the consequence of abandoning our love. By choosing both, we encounter the enormous pressure of juggling these two things at the same time.
But by knowing what we value and what we prioritize, like an anchor against the waves, we have a firm reason — a purpose to endure the challenges and pain.
There Is No Correct Answer
Decisions become inevitable as life goes on. How do you move forward after deciding?
In the end, do what is right, using your moral compass. It’s hard to live in a lie, it’s hard to live in deception, and it’s hard to build a life around something wrong. You’ll find yourself constantly running, trying to escape the ghost of what you did.
What if you chose love a long time ago, thinking a family is what would give your life meaning? But now you meet a lady who’s eager to succeed and will stop at nothing. Somehow, you see in her what you saw with your wife before you got her pregnant which is the feeling of hope and being bigger than life.
Like a moth to a flame, you get attracted to her, and you found out that she feels the same. But in the present, you already have a family. While on the other side, there she is — a vision of your past and an enticing future. Now, what will you choose?
What if, like Liz Gilbert, your marriage arrived on a dead end and staying together would destroy both of you?
What if, a long time ago, you chose your dream, believing it as your life-purpose, and did sacrifice a trembling relationship. It’s been eight years now, and you think you’re living the life you always wanted. Then, you met a beautiful girl who somehow makes you feel alive and a perfect fit, but then you’re hesitating because you are afraid it will jeopardize the company you’ve built. What will you choose now?
What if somehow you are already contented with your dream. You have created this balance you need in your life, and the concept of love is only a pressure society imposes?
Again you face a question, to pursue your dream or to choose love?
Or is it? Have you asked yourself what is right?
Thank you for reading.
If you are interested to explore more of my writings, you may read the following article published in The Environment.
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