A Day in the Life of a Porn Addict
Living it is hard, but putting it into words is devastating.
The sun rises over a clear blue sky, marking the beginning of a beautiful Saturday morning. Six hours later, I wake up in my room with terrible breath and a bit of a headache.
The images of last night sit fresh in my memory. My friend met this group of girls at the club and he hit it off with one of them. I didn’t even try, as usual. Always too shy. Too scared to face rejection, too insecure to picture anything else.
These memories leave me horny and feeling bad about myself: a perfect combination for watching porn.
It’s 4:25 pm when my parents leave the house.
I crawl to my desk from the couch and turn the computer on. I keep the door of my room ajar so that I can hear my parents when they come back. I open the browser in incognito mode. My own party is about to start.
My routine begins with a first round of well-known porn websites. I type the name of the first one into the address bar and hit enter. Before the page even loads, I open a new tab and type in a second name. In this first round, I open a total of seven sites. I focus on the large porn producers, the ones most likely to have new videos available since the last time I did this five days ago.
I’m shown seven warning pop-ups asking me if I’m 18 or older. I am, so I click on that big green ENTER button. Not that any of it matters, I’ve been clicking on that button for a few years now and I’m only 19.
I navigate to the New Videos section on each site and proceed to open all the previews that look interesting in new tabs. Once I’m done, there are twenty-two tabs open in my browser. As I watch the previews, I close the ones that I don’t like and leave the rest open, ending up with eight tabs. I google the name of these eight videos with the following results: four I find uploaded to tube sites, one is available as a direct download link, and three I have to get via torrent. I start all the downloads and turn my attention to the videos on the tube sites.
The first one doesn’t look that good, so I skip through it searching for the different sex positions, in case there’s a moment in it worth something. I find none, but one of the related videos suggested by the site looks promising so I open it in a new tab.
I move to the second video that I originally found, and even though overall it’s a bit lame, there’s a part of it that I really enjoy. As I re-watch those few seconds a couple of times, I conclude that the moment is worth saving so I leave the tab open. On top of that, I spot three related videos that look great and open them in new tabs.
The third video I initially opened is pretty boring, but I haven’t seen this tube site before so I decide to navigate to the homepage and check what kind of videos are trending, opening four of them in the process. The fourth video I originally found is good: it stays open and reveals two more exciting related videos. After this first round, I’m left with twelve open tabs in total and ten new videos to explore.
Now it’s time to begin round two and check out all these new videos tab by tab. Some related videos take me to new tube sites, where I explore homepages and specific categories. For every video that I close, multiple new ones open like some sort of pornographic hydra.
At some point I notice one of the torrents has finished downloading. I open it full of excitement but the video is disappointing. I skim through it quickly before turning back to my browser, where I have time to watch two more short videos before the next torrent download completes.
This one is pretty good, and I can tell from the first few minutes. I go back to the beginning of the video and watch it without skipping almost anything, building the anticipation of what I know are going to be great sex scenes and rejoicing in them when they come. I watch a 35-minute video in about 30 minutes, going back to revisit some of the best parts. It was a great find: I put the video in my Math folder and open the browser again.
As I’m watching a casting girl being fucked from behind by a creepy Czech guy on a greasy leather couch, I hear my parents coming back.
I look at the time on my computer: it’s 8:45 pm. Fifteen tabs are open as I minimize the browser and take my left hand out of my pants — it’s been attached to my dick since the very beginning.
As soon as my erection goes down I start to feel the urge to pee. I leave my room and cross paths with my mom on my way to the bathroom. She tells me they brought dinner. I wash my hands and join them in the living room.
Porn images keep flashing in the back of my brain as I watch the evening news, eating pizza on the couch next to my dad. All I can think about are those fifteen videos that I left open. There are two of them in particular that have the potential to be amazing videos. I can almost feel them pulling me towards that sweaty desk chair in my room. I finish my dinner as soon as I can and brush my teeth.
It’s 9:35 pm when I sit back on that chair.
This time, I close the door of my room completely. I’m wearing only my right earphone, leaving my other ear unblocked so that I can hear my parents when they approach my room. For the rest of the night, until they go to sleep, I have to stay alert, ready to minimize the browser and let my dick loose the moment I hear them walk down the hallway towards my room.
It wouldn’t be the first time they step in unexpectedly, and I’d prefer to save us both the embarrassment.
I’m back to my precious videos and the tabs that I left open. As I watch them, I continue the cycle of related videos and sites. Sometimes I find a video that belongs to one of the not-so-well-known networks I haven’t checked out in a while, so I navigate to their sites to preview their new content and google some of their videos, reaching new tube sites and downloading a couple of extra torrents. However, after a while, the stream of tube videos starts to run out. At this point, the related content has come full circle and the new sites that I find are mostly filled with shitty low-quality amateur closeup videos.
I check the time and it’s 11:08 pm. I have found some great videos, but I feel like I can do better. I decide to turn my attention back to the big networks and start going through their older videos to try to find some hidden gems. However, these videos are hard to download as all the links are broken and the torrents have long been abandoned. The only way to get to them is to sneak into the network sites themselves.
The process is tedious. I visit a bunch of shady websites and solve captcha after captcha to get to what I’m looking for: a list of stolen usernames and passwords. I navigate to the porn site, Ctrl+C the username, Ctrl+V into the login form, Ctrl+C the password (making sure I don’t copy the trailing whitespace), Ctrl+V into the login box, hit the button, cross my fingers… nothing. I try again with the next combination, moving from the bottom of the file up so that I hit the least used passwords first.
After much trial and error and only being able to break into one or two shitty websites with terrible content, I find the key to one of the great network sites. I dive head-first into their catalog, which goes back to 2006. I know all the newest videos, but I also know most of the oldest ones from the times when I managed to log in to this same website in the past. So I edit the URL to navigate to page 150 out of 260, where I calculate I have more chances to find videos that are new to me.
The site is a gold mine, but I don’t know how long this user will keep me logged in, so I quickly browse through a few pages of videos and download just eight of them before leaving. I figure this will be the last bunch I’ll do today.
At this point my parents are sleeping, so I can safely wear my headphones and pay full attention to the videos. Some of these last few turn out to be pretty good and I end up watching a big chunk of each. As I wrap up this final round, I glance nervously at the clock to see it’s 3:12 am.
By now, my dick has been mostly soft for the past few videos, only getting hard at the very best moments. It’s time for one last effort to collect the rewards of a day’s worth of searching.
I open my browser again and rewatch all those videos that I kept open in tabs, along with the ones I saved on my hard drive. I watch some of their best moments over and over, until I finally pick that one special moment in that one special video that I want to finish to.
My penis looks ready to throw in the towel, but it manages to rise and fight one last round. And it wins. Or it loses. I don’t know, but the fight is over.
After I’m done and cleaned up, I close all the tabs in the browser and delete all the downloaded videos. I go to the bathroom to wash my hands and I look at myself in the mirror. I’m sweaty, my face is red and my eyes bloodshot. I go back to my room and straight into bed.
It’s 3:56 am.
I feel very weak. My dick is numb. I close my eyes and the images of the videos keep scrolling on the back of my eyelids. There’s a faint ringing in my ears. My heart is beating fast. I hate myself and what I’ve done, but not for long — I soon give in to exhaustion and fall asleep.
What’s in your math folder?
What does your porn addiction look like?
In the heat of the moment, you rarely stop to think about what you are doing — that’s why now is a much better time.
Reflect on what you do when you give in to your addiction, as embarrassing and difficult as that might be. Familiarize yourself with it, so that you can identify it next time it starts happening and stop it before it spirals out of control.
Share your insights in the comments below, on social media, or in your favorite porn addiction community, and if you know others that are struggling with porn, help them by sharing a link to this story.
Let’s start a conversation!
Hi, this is James! Thank you for reading!
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