Inside the Mind of a Porn Addict
A glimpse of the process that keeps me binge-watching porn for hours on end.
Initial disclaimer: you probably know me by now. I have no problem getting explicit. There is a lot of truth in the details, and I believe that delving deep is what makes some of my stories powerful and relatable. This is one of those stories. If you find it a bit too triggering, I apologize. Feel free to skip it — there are many other stories for you in The Math Folder.
A 29-year-old enters the scene. He identifies as a porn addict, but he’s been trying to stop watching porn long before he was even aware of that label. Despite half a life of struggle, it’s only been in the last couple of months that he’s been able to make real progress. He now sits in defiance of all this progress, ready to watch porn again — only this time it’s for science.
He turns his laptop on and sets down a recorder next to him. In the next hour, he will browse through video after video of porn while speaking his thoughts out loud. The goal: to reveal the inner workings of porn addiction.
A guinea pig to his own experiment, he opens up the browser and types in the name of a recognized porn streaming website, ready to show to himself and others, in all excruciating detail, the process that has wrecked his personal life for more than fifteen years.
The color of my screen switches from the bright white of the empty browser to the darker tones of a website seen a thousand times, and in a way it feels like I’m home — although, in a much deeper sense, it feels like I’m back into the arms of an abusive mother.
Landing on a porn site is an experience akin to entering a casino. All of a sudden I’m bombarded with an over-the-top display of visual stimuli, and I can feel my dumb little brain jumping up and down in excitement at the sight of countless explicit thumbnails and banner ads. It takes a trained eye like mine to quickly tune it all out and focus on what’s relevant.
“The first thing that I see are the six videos featured in the trending section” — and as I begin to speak, the recorder next to me sets to work. “The first one catches my attention for a split second, until I recognize it from my last session.” A video isn’t exciting if it isn’t new, so I skip any that I know I’ve watched before, something that I can usually tell just by looking at one or two thumbnails.
“The second trending video features a MILF with fake boobs, and that’s an easy no for me. The third video shows a young couple in an amateur setup. The girl has an ok face but a nice body, and looking at the thumbnails I see some good positions shot from a nice POV angle: this one has potential.” I open it in a new tab by clicking the mouse wheel — a little trick that increases the efficiency of my porn binges.
“The fourth trending video is an anal video: another hard pass”. While others tend to spiral into more and more extreme porn, years of addiction haven’t really brought about new fetishes for me. To this day, the appeal of the poop hole and the popularity of those videos remain a mystery to me. “The fifth is a masturbation video, another category that I don’t like. The sixth is a clip from a website that I like and the girl is attractive, so I’m opening it in a new tab”.
I scroll down and the next section shows a total of sixteen videos: the most recent uploads. I take a quick but meticulous look at each and every one of them, focusing on the thumbnail, glimpsing the title, and exploring the other preview images when appropriate. I end up opening six videos in new tabs. “This one’s all closeup shots where you can’t see much” — skipped. “This one looks just alright but one of the thumbnails shows a really good doggy style shot” — opened. “This video features an actress I’ve already seen a thousand times” — skipped. “This one’s got an ugly old man in it” — skipped…
Since the recent uploads have proved to hold some interesting content, I decide to continue exploring the next pages, but before I do that I scroll back up and open the complete trending section in a new tab — it’s always a good one and I don’t want to forget about it as I enter the rabbit hole of recent videos.
If visiting a porn site feels like entering a casino, browsing through the section of new videos is what’s closest to gambling. Every time I check out one of those videos I’m pulling the lever, and most of the times all I get is jack shit, but every once in a while I hit the jackpot and find a video that seems just perfect, and it feels that much more special because I know I found something that’s new and that’s rare.
It’s this dynamic that pushes me forward page after page despite the poor results. After nine pages, all I manage to salvage are a casting video of an Eastern European girl with big natural tits, a threesome with two girls posing as college students, and four amateur videos with the unlikely combination of nice bodies, passionate sex, and good camera work.
“I’m getting tired of exploring the recent uploads…” — the recorder remains impassive, capturing every word without judgement — “…and I already have a bunch of tabs open, so I think I’ll go ahead and start watching some of them”.
“The first video is that amateur POV one I opened in the beginning”. I’m not that excited about it, having discovered a few videos after it that look much more promising, so I only skim through it, hoping to be pleasantly surprised. “The video starts with a blowjob, but the girl doesn’t look that much into it, so I jump forward”. “Now she’s on top. I’m going back to see how they transitioned into that position”. “Uhm, it just cuts right to it, they edited that part out…bummer. I skip to find the next position”. “Turns out it’s by the end of the video, after a lot of boring cowgirl action, and it’s a bit of missionary where they placed the camera further away and at an angle that barely shows the girl’s body. I’m jumping to the end just to see the cumshot, but then I’m on to the next one — this one was disappointing.”
The letdown doesn’t stop me from browsing through the related videos and opening two of them in new tabs before moving to the next one, which, to my delight, turns out to be a grand winner.
“This one’s from a series that I know, and I have great hopes for it because the girl is hot and looked in one or two of the thumbnails like she was truly enjoying it”. “I’m now jumping to different timestamps throughout the first half of the video to quickly confirm the good prospects”. “This one’s a doggy style scene, her ass is bouncing nicely and she’s looking back at the guy all horny”. “This one’s definitely a keeper. I’m going back to the beginning now to watch most of this thing and really savor it”.
The process continues as I go through video after video: the ones that are meh I breeze through, the ones that are good I watch and close, and the really great ones I take my time with and keep open.
When I’m done with the first round of videos and their related ones, I rediscover the trending tab, thus opening the door to a whole new display of options.
Scrolling down past the six videos already featured in the homepage, the first trending page appears in all its glory — and it’s a goldmine.
“This video I like because it’s homemade but they know what they are doing: it has good quality and the camera angles are not awkward”. “See?” — I tell my recorder — “the POV missionary in this thumbnail is good because it’s not just a weird closeup, you can actually see her full body. I’m definitely opening this one on a new tab”. “This one, the girl is hot but it’s one of those casting videos where they always do the same positions in the same fucking order, so it’s just boring at this point”. “Ohh this one’s gotta be good, this girl’s pretty hot but the guy is also pretty attractive himself, and this thumbnail with her on top and both of their bodies all sweaty looks amazing. Can’t wait to check this one out!”.
Trending page number two loads and it looks worse, but there are still a couple of promising options in there.
“Not in the mood for a lesbian video today, so skipping this one”. “This one’s just your typical big network video that feels a bit too artificial and edited, moving on…”. “Mmm, not sure about this one, the girl’s a bit too curvy for my taste but her body does look good in the cowgirl position of this thumbnail… I’ll give it a try”.
With just a couple of new tabs opened so far, there’s plenty of room yet for more so I navigate to the third page of trending videos.
“Black guy on white girl, not really into that”. “This video looks like crap but the girl is pretty hot, let me see if I can find other videos of her over here…”.
As I pick up the pace, some videos begin to be ignored without commenting on them, and my explanations become shorter, yet the process continues, unrelenting, and the recorder remains a privileged witness of it all.
“Pretty face and a nice blowjob thumbnail, the rest looks meh but I want to check out that blowjob”. “More anal, goddamnit”. “This is an oldie and it’s good, but I’ve watched it many times before”.
I hit the fifth page of trending videos. At this point, I’m looking to spot two or three more before I get to watch the videos in all of those open tabs. My eyes skim through most of the page and there’s this one video that catches my…
Three hours and forty-five minutes later, and taking advantage of a brief moment of clarity between slow-loading videos, I promptly close the browser and shut the lid of my laptop, thus putting an end to the experiment.
Things got a bit out of control, but you can’t make an omelette without breaking some eggs, and smashing mine was a risk I was willing to take.
I stop the recorder and lean back in my chair, staring pensively at the closed laptop. All in all, I’d say the experiment has been a success.
Final disclaimer: alright, this was fictional. I’ll be honest, for a while there I was planning to actually do it, because I believed in the concept behind this story. Then I thought again and decided there’s no way I’m going to watch porn again just for the sake of a good story. Nevertheless, you can rest assured that this was an accurate expression of what my process used to be like — believe me, I’d like to forget, but the memories of those sessions are still awfully vivid.
What’s in your math folder?
What do your porn binges look like?
What goes through your mind while you indulge in them?
There are few things more sobering than to analyze your mistakes in excruciating detail. Examining your actions when you watch porn can help you understand how you fall into the spiral of addiction and make you realize the inanity of the whole process.
Get familiar with the mechanics of your binges — this insight will help you recognize and stop them before they escalate into something you can’t control.
Share your insights in the comments below, on social media, or in your favorite porn addiction community, and if you know others that are struggling with porn, help them by sharing a link to this story.
Let’s start a conversation!
Hi, this is James! Thank you for reading!
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