21, still can’t tie a tie.
Sex drives,brakes and impulses
I grew up in a family where contentment is held at high esteem. Four slices of bread were enough, a pair of sandals was always enough for school, I had to use a notebook for two subjects. Whenever we pass across a high-end restaurant or bakery, I always looked straightforward, I was never allowed the delicious smell and look of cakes and meat pies entice me(at least my father wouldn’t). Whenever I saw something delicious on the neighbour’s table, I didn’t let hunger overwhelm me to proceed and beg, or rush to take a piece out of whatever was offered. I was groomed to always resist the urge, to always take control of any situation whereby I was tempted by my impulses. However, I always defaulted and would fall for these impulses. I always wanted more. My parents would severely punish me for seeking out extra desires, for not controlling my urge and not being content with what I had. It was like living in a monastery, I was a monk and they were the Abbot. Fast forward to some years later, I learnt how to fight unwanted urges whenever they try to overwhelm me, at least to some extent.
When it comes to sex, the case is usually different. We attribute this case of controlling urges to hormones, boys will be boys, testosterone, male energy……Mind you, sexual urges are not demons, or impure. They are normal impulses like hunger and urge to urinate, they are not evil and certainly, God won’t hate you for having sexual thoughts or urges. But acting uncontrollably to sexual urges, especially when it jeopardizes normal like activities is where the problem lies.
Learning to control physical urges is part of growing up and anyone who is an adult should be able to control certain urges and impulses without any problem.
HOW DIFFICULT IS IT FOR MEN TO CONTROL SEXUAL URGES.
Not that difficult. Sex is a strong desire, maybe a much intense one. As much as it is so much desired, it is not that much of a necessity. Everyone needs water and oxygen to survive, both men and women but sex? Sexual desire is mostly subjective and can be controlled if needs be. Can a man control his sexual urge? When it comes to information regarding sexual urges, men are always misinformed. We are bombarded with information and coverage that depicts that our sexual urge is usually not our fault. That the urges are so strong that we can’t control ourselves. But is sexual urge the same as normal physical urges like hunger, thirst?… Yes. Controlling both impulses are not that difficult, people resist the urge of eating or drinking for days. Why not sexual urge?
Earlier in the article, I talked about how I resisted several urges or desires of things I was made to believe that I didn’t need, I controlled my urges as a little child, now that I’m an adult, is there a reason why I should not do any better? Biologically, sexual desires may be much more difficult to suppress in men, to hunger and thirst but people control these urges when necessary, and live their normal lives. The more we claim or support difficulty in controlling our sexual desires, the more we encourage rape, rape culture and sexual assaults, because we would always fall back on our inability to resist our urges and use it as an excuse. Testosterone is just another hormone and should not be used as an excuse.
It is necessary for a man of intent and maturity to control his sexual urge and focus on making the people around him better. However, my suggestion is not that sexual urge should be completely suppressed, but acting impulsively on the urge to harm someone or ruin important life activities should not be encouraged.
WHAT DOES A TIE HAVE TO DO WITH ALL THESE.
I remember almost missing an exam at university because I could not knot my tie. I was holding the tie, standing in front of the exam invigilator but I couldn’t knot it. The rule was to tie a well-knotted tie before entry. I stood there looking, asking myself why the hell I couldn’t knot a common tie. I felt ashamed as that could cost me not writing the exam. I had prepared well beyond my threshold, I was ready to write and destroy my papers but there I was holding a loose tie looking at the invigilator. The lady invigilator was shocked and asked why I could not knot an ordinary tie, then it occurred to me that I never bothered to learn, it was an important concept to learn in my course but I rested upon the fact that someone would always be there to help. On that day there was nobody, I was being judged and nobody to attest for me. I was all to be blamed for not learning one of the most basic skill a student of a professional course should know. I was punished, I wrote the exam but was delayed for 30 minutes. I wasn’t supposed to write at all, that was the rule. Do you know what happened later? I never learnt, and it cost me again.
This is an anecdote of how I see the control of sexual urges. My inability to knot that tie can be attributed to an inability to control sexual urges. If you cannot control your urges, you might get into unwanted trouble that might jeopardize your career or education like my tie almost did to mine. The invigilator is the world looking at you asking why the hell man?… You can’t control yourself?…you should have known better my guy.
Can a man carry fire next to his chest and his clothes not be burned?-Proverbs 6:27
WHAT CAN A MAN DO
It’s completely normal to have sexual urges but acting impulsively on it does not define a man of character. To control these urges, one has to dig deeper and learn how to channel sexual energy into productive work. Stop seeing sex as a necessity like a horny teenager and draw that energy into writing, painting, singing or any other form of creative activities. Also, look at the great men almost destroyed by uncontrolled sexual urges; Samson, David, Solomon and so on and take inspiration from that. You can also see yourself as a proponent of rape culture by always saying boys should be boys or my hormones at work, take responsibility for any actions you take. Sex is an important activity with great benefits but allowing its rule and control you show weakness, not strength.
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