A Maverick

“The center is not the center”

-Jacques Derrida in ‘Structure, Sign and Discourse in the Human Sciences’

I used to believe in centers, a pivotal force around which revolves the existence of an object. I believed a center existed right from the universe down to the atoms that constitute it (whose center is called a nucleus, by the way). I believed that humans, too, had centers to them in the form of a primary quality, ideology or idiosyncrasy that made them what they were. I saw people being a certain way and wanted an adjective that could define me in entirety too. This led me to an odyssey of finding my center, the knowledge of which could’ve answered the question I dread the most: “Who am I?” This exciting road of self-discovery, however, always ended up in existential crisis.

I was in the third year of my graduation when I got acquainted to Derrida and his oeuvre. The center I had been in search for my whole life never existed as according to Derrida, there is no center or at least a permanent one- to the universe or me.

Growing up, math and I were arch-nemesis. However, I like math now. I recently figured I like cats over dogs. Let alone a few years, I’m not the same that I was yesterday. So maybe the only thing that truly defines me is change. I’m a million shades, a million personalities. A relentlessly shifting being with no idiosyncrasy that truly belongs to me; no pivot that defines my consciousness. Being ‘centerless’ made me break away from limiting or holding on to any attribute. It made me overcome my need to belong. I cannot be put into boxes with labeled adjectives. I am what I choose to be.

I’m a maverick these days, a rebel without a cause. It just so happens that my workplace goes by the same name.