HUMOR/LIFESTYLE
You Don’t Know How Awesome You Really Are
Seriously, I mean you’ve got to believe in yourself more
It doesn’t matter that you’re 40 years old living in your parent’s basement sleeping in until 3:00 pm and then playing video games for 16 hours straight, only resting to poop, eat, and shower. Don’t listen to the haters.
They’re just jealous that they have things like bills, children, jobs, and life partners that they have to worry about. You live this life like a real winner. In fact, you don’t even know what it’s like to have sex with the opposite sex. The closest you got was when you were 16 and you got to second base with the school janitor, on accident.
You don’t need big words to show people how smart you really are. In fact, you don’t need words at all. All that video game playing and your sedentary lifestyle have killed your brain cells and all that you’ve been able to muster is the occasional ow, eh, or ew.
I mean, you remember the occasional word here and there just to shout out those obscenities to your gaming partners over your $200 gaming headphones that your parents bought you after you basically begged them only using pantomime and middle finger gestures.
Someone suggested to you that you should probably ease up on the video games and try exercising to burn off that excess 100 pounds you’ve gained in the 20 years that you’ve lived at home. You don’t quite remember what this exercising thing is but you do remember that the gym is a place to meet people. Like real-life people, not non-playable video game characters.
Will these people be able to give you enough experience points to level up in life? Go and find out.
You might be able to get some of your speech points back too. What’s your name? Don’t worry about that part.
Figure it out as you go along. You’ve got this, as I said before, you’re more awesome than you think you are. What does that even fucking mean? Well, go find out.
You don’t have money to go to the gym? Steal some more money or take one of your parent’s credit cards. It’s not like they’re not used to it by now.
At least they don’t have to worry about the stench of rotting human flesh in the basement while they’re doing their crosswords or watching Wheel of Fortune. You’re going out to show everyone how awesome you really are and how much more you could be.
You’re at the gym now? What’s this? A Peloton? You’ve seen the ads for this thing, go ride it.
Have you never learned how to ride a bike? This is like what you do at home. It’s just sitting down and then now you just have to move your legs in a circle like you’re trying to fight those charlie horses you get every once in a while from sitting for too long.
The bike won’t move though. It’ll only look like that on the screen so don’t be afraid. This might hurt after a while, oh wait, it’s been less than a minute and you’re already hurting?
Wait, it’s not your legs but your chest? Oh, shoot, player down. No, you don’t get an extra life in real life. You might be suffering from a heart attack, no I’m not a doctor, I don’t know what to do. I’m just the narrator.
You’re going to have to try to survive this, but seriously, I think it’s time for me to cut out now. I was never here. I’m not going to be implicated in a manslaughter case when you were just testing out how awesome you really are.
Perhaps, and maybe just perhaps, you should wake up from your dream now. Go play video games. Even your exercising dreams are lame. I mean, you’re awesome. You just don’t know how awesome you really are yet, do you?
