A Day in the Life of a Craft Brewery Server’s Favorite Mask
Face it, I’m going to be around for a while
11:00: Awaken violently when Lucy grabs me off the hook by the front door and shoves me into her purse. I’m her go-to when she’s working, as my allover pattern of tiny, foaming beer steins on a black background coordinates with her goth-black server’s attire.
11:03: Dangle from the AC vent freezing my straps off while she drives to Cougar Brewing for a double shift. Cougar was founded by two forty-something women who, on a camping trip to Mt. Rainier, smoked a joint and laughed themselves silly making up pretentious craft beer names. By dawn they had decided to try their badass hands at brewing some.
11:15: Jump into action as Lucy loops me around her ears, over her nose and under her chin; I get caught on her dangly earrings but she manages to free me so I can form a barrier between her facial orifices and any airborne, Covid-laced respiratory droplets.
11:30: Get shoved into her apron pocket as she and the other servers sample today’s beer specials. She seems to like the “When Life Hands You Lemons” IPA and will recommend it highly to anyone wanting a golden ale with citrus notes.
12:00: She puts me back on as her shift begins. Feel a pull in my midsection as she tries to breathe and talk at the same time. This pretty much happens all day long: Get drawn into her mouth, feel her tongue flapping against my high-thread-count lining, get puffed back out as she exhales.
1:30: Cling tightly to her face as she sucks wind, running burgers, barpies and tuna melts from the sweltering brick oven kitchen to her customers’ tables. Absorb beads of sweat from her upper lip and a few salty drips from her nose. Look whimsical doing it.
2:37: Swell with pride as a customer compliments my fun, thematically appropriate beer stein design. Lucy hopes the cheerful vibe will translate to a better tip. It does. Go me!
3:05: Break time! Get ripped off Lucy’s face as she heads outside for an hour before the dinner shift begins. Get shoved into her apron pocket again with her digital ordering device, lip balm and hand sanitizer spray. It’s dark in here. And I’ll be wrinkled as hell when she pulls me back out.
3:10: Wait patiently while Lucy decides what to eat for dinner. No raw onions, or she’ll be inhaling her own onion breath for the rest of the evening. I feel kinda badly about that but it’s not my fault; there’s a mask mandate in Oregon at the moment. She decides on the Mountain Meadow Burger with avocado mash and a sprinkling of microgreens.
4:00: Lucy will be wo-manning the taps during dinner, which means less running around for her and more of a chance that I’ll get splashed by an unfiltered ale with restrained fruited aromas or a hoppy pilsner.
6:02: An out-of-town, half-in-the-bag kitesurfer bellies up to the bar and rudely bellows “Beer wench!”
With her back to the boor, I mean bar, Lucy rolls her eyes and I can feel her jaw clench. She spins around and levels him with an icy stare.
“I’m just playin’ with ya,” he guffaws. She continues glaring at him.
“Ah, can I get a growler of the Painted Pony Pilsner?”
I can feel the heat from her laser-beam eyes boring into him. “Um, please?”
She grabs the bottle, fills it with the requested beer and places it in front of him. “That’ll be $24,” she says, still simmering. He hands her $30 and slinks away. “Keep the change.”
7:38: That cute coffee shop manager she’s been dating walks over and you can tell he’s smiling behind his mask.
“Hey beer goddess,” he says, all sexy-like.
Lucy glows like the fire pit on Cougar’s outdoor patio. “Hey coffee bro,” she responds.
“When do you get off work?”
“The usual, 10:00.”
“Wanna stop by after?”
“Hell yeah. What can I get you?”
His eyes smile at that. “Hmmm…what do you recommend?”
“When Life Hands You Lemons — it’s on special tonight.”
“Sweet.”
She pulls the tap and hands him the foaming glass, gazing into his smiling eyes the whole time.
10:00: As soon as her shift ends Lucy rips me off her face and shoves me down into her purse. We’re off to coffee bro’s, where the newly minted couple will exchange respiratory droplets and I’ll spend the night spooning her handcrafted leather wallet and carabiner key chain.
