Beyond the Knot: How Arranged Marriage Blossomed into Friendship, Individuality, and Love
Finding harmony in traditional matrimony
A Tricky Question
Last Sunday morning, I was folding the laundry, lost in a reverie. The chosen one was nose-deep in the newspaper. Out of the blue, he looks up and asks, “Do you remember the first thoughts when you saw me, like when we met for the first time?”
I looked at him suspiciously, forehead scrunched, trying to figure out the trick question.
Caught unprepared, there was no point lying. So truth it was. I said, “I realized I had seen the wrong photograph which means the bio that I read was also someone else’s. It was too late to do anything but to know you.” So much for my planning and decision-making skills (*eye roll*).
If you are still clueless or wondering what am I talking about then let me lay it straight. I had an arranged marriage in the 21st century! If you have never heard of it or are curious, you might like this post.
Whys and wherefores of my arranged marriage
Marriage is a critical factor in Indian households even today. The world has changed a lot since I was in my mid-20s. But, even today, if you are single, our society has people who will have an unsolicited opinion.
If you are not married by 25–26 there is something wrong with you.
There has to be a reason. A problem, a flaw, some issue.
Matrimony in Indian society can be either an arranged one or a love marriage. The prevalence of love marriage is way higher in the last 4–5 decades as compared to earlier.
Arranged marriage means where the girl and the boy don’t know each other from before. So how do they meet?
The more secure way is for someone to recommend the match who knows the boy and the girl and their families. It could be a friend or relative. I don’t think I would have relied on a friend or relative to choose or point at a potential match. I would rather choose myself and bear the consequences.
In my case, it was the other way. My family advertised about me in the newspaper matrimonial column seeking a match. A more liberal chilled-out version today is your Tinder or Bumble. At least the previous option has some semblance of low risk as the go-between knows the families. In the matrimonial ad method, you are shooting in the dark.
There were 10–12 potential matches before I married the chosen one.
Here’s what happens — you send a photo and a bio to respond to an ad. The family either responds with an inclination or declines for a host of reasons. The grounds for rejection can be physical, social, or career incompatibility.
I had met a lot of potential matches either at our place, or theirs, or at times in neutral ground — a restaurant. The meetings included immediate family members. It wasn’t “meet cute” but more transactional. That’s how these things are.
The chosen one and his parents had visited our house. They had come from a different city after traveling for more than 4 hours by road. My parents had invited them over for dinner.
This brings us back to the question that my significant other half asked — my first thoughts. The background is I never thought about marriage. My work kept me preoccupied and marriage was more of a bother. I didn’t want my status quo to lurch because it’s known, safe, and predictable. My involvement was to glance through the profile and pic of the potential match.
On the day, he and his family were to visit, Mum again reminded me to see the bio and the pic and be “prepared.” How was I supposed to know that her study table had the details of another person?
When the family walked in, I looked at the guy and thought Oh My God! This is definitely not the guy from the pic!!!
Long story short. I consented to the match and in less than 5 months we got married.
What about love?
After my formal engagement ceremony, I informed my German boss that I would be quitting soon. I was going to get married, move to a different city, and live in a joint family. I used to work in a power plant.
He looked at me and said, “I didn’t know you were seeing someone. Never seen a guy come to drop you, or pick you up from work.” I had to tell him that till a month ago I didn’t even know the guy existed. It is an arranged marriage. Now he had a pure horrified look on his face. “Was ist das?”
Why did I agree to an arranged marriage? Was it a family tradition or patriarchal demand? Was I pressurized? Did I have a choice or say? What about love? How can you marry someone you don’t know?
That afternoon, I had a long and interesting chat with my 50+ German boss. He had forgotten all about the power plant operation and grilled me. His anxiety was understandable as he had a daughter of my age and himself separated from his wife of many years.
To answer his many questions — No, it had nothing to do with patriarchy or family tradition. I didn’t agree to an arranged marriage because I was under pressure. My parents were hoping I find someone on my own, fall in love, and get married. The whole arranged marriage process since I was not doing anything.
Just to put some context — my parents had a love marriage but I was too practical to fall in love. Love is not enough for a Cappy like me. What about paying the bills?
But my boss was relentless. He wanted to know how can you marry and live with someone when there is no love. I told him, “Sir, love marriage or arranged marriage has a 50–50 chance of success or failure. There are no guarantees that people won’t fall out of love, go for a separation, die, and leave the other person alone. I know of such people in my close circle so love for me is highly overrated. I may be wrong but that’s my belief. There are other things in a marriage that are more important. Don’t you think personal space and growth, individuality, friendship, and common interests, rank above love?”
I spooked him further. I told him that our astrologers had both matched the horoscopes and given their go-ahead. He might have smoked two extra packs that day after I left (he was a chain smoker anyway).
Last week, we spent a large part of our Sunday reflecting on the last 19 years of our lives together.
Arranged to adored
I don’t know how it is between people who marry after falling in love. I always gave priority to mutual respect and acceptance of each other’s character traits. Finding a sense of comfort in the predictability of one another.
You know the saying proximity breeds contempt. I am always scared of that. It is one reason we have our personal pursuits and interests. His is politics and economics, mine is writing.
At the same time, there are TV shows that we love to watch together or eat certain kinds of food at restaurants. Both of us love takeaway at the drop of a hat. Since we met for the first time, two questions remained clear in my mind. Our favorite music. He said, “Hard rock.” I love ghazals and Sufi. Type of TV shows. The Practice and Law and Order. So there was our similarity and dissimilarity. These questions sound cliched but reveal a lot about who we are and what we want.
Our friendship grew because of the maturity to let each be what they wanted to be. We maintain a unified presence in the family and in the lives of our parents, siblings, and children. There are things that we do together and others where we are on our own. The thing that worked the most was pursuing our careers, and opening up to each other’s choices.
Over the years, we know each other inside out. We can predict what the other might do in a situation. There is a healthy dependence and honesty between us.
Our ability to move between we and I keeps the flame burning and bright. From sharing responsibilities to pushing ourselves in our own pursuits. This didn’t happen overnight. It took us years of practice and learning how to create a balance and establish our 80:20 rule of marital growth.
Making hardly any demands is the “secret sauce” to a good arranged marriage. And having low expectations.
When I write posts like this, there is no disturbance or demand of any kind. He takes these opportunities to order takeaway and it’s a win-win for both of us.
Yes, arranged marriage might seem unorthodox but it has its own place and takers in this universe. It is not about what’s better but what works for two people.
Individuality in marriage
Arranged marriage is often seen in a different light. It sounds as though we lose our individuality. Our unique identity, interests, and personal space will diminish or disappear. Who we were earlier won’t be the same. I can tell from experience that it all depends on how we navigate this marriage thing.
We practice a balance between togetherness and independence; ensuring both grow as individuals. When it comes to a joint decision on anything, it doesn’t become a tug of war. We know our forte and each one plays to their strength so that the whole is larger than the sum of parts.
We kind of complement each other whether it is managing finances, or doing chores. There is a divide-and-rule system when it comes to our kid’s decisions. Anything to do with academics is my job and all kinds of football duty, trips to tournaments is his job.
The lines are well-defined, communicated, and understood. We stay in our lanes and seldom stomp on each other’s toes.
All this doesn’t mean we don’t have disagreements or differences of opinion. Such things occur often. Our common goal is to hash it out instead of creating a rift or arguing till the sun is up. In the end, one of us convinces the other.
I am a firm believer in open communication and that makes it easy for us to maintain our needs and boundaries. I love to read. He loves to listen to intellectual discourse. We sit in the same room across from each other and spend time doing what we love.
The love, that my German boss talked about, developed over time. as we encouraged each other’s career aspirations and celebrated personal achievements. We often go out to eat together or with others to spend time with friends. Maintaining friendships outside the marriage provides emotional support and diverse perspectives. Nowadays, after one such meeting, we come home and share it with each other because we want to, like friends do.
At long last, I have learned that the essence of an arranged marriage is to keep pivoting. Like a basketball player, keep the ball in play, dribble, move, dodge, jump but keep moving.
It seems like yesterday
As we reminisced about the past, my laundry wasn’t folded but rather forgotten. A couple of hours had passed. We were to cook lunch and now nothing was ready because we were busy chatting. He said, “It will be best if we go out and eat because I am already hungry and cooking will take a lot of time.” So off we went to our favorite seafood joint.
I don’t know what the future holds for us but as long as we communicate well we can take on anything and sail through.
“Ultimately the bond of all companionship, whether in marriage or in friendship, is conversation.” ~ Oscar Wilde
Ipshita Guha is an ambivert who aspires to be a ghostwriter and pass the second half of her life vicariously through those who live exciting lives. She also writes about other stuff on Medium, LinkedIn, Twitter, and her website.
