Brave is the Heart that Chooses to Heal
Because it really is a choice
It’s taken me a couple of decades to even begin to understand the true workings of my heart.
The way that she feels things… distinguishing what she’s feeling vs. what has been imposed upon her by my mind… finding the names for all of the things that she is capable of holding… learning how to let things move through instead of getting stuck inside of her.
Teaching her things like forgiveness. To not take things personally. To hear the difference between the ego and the heart. That it’s okay to feel everything that she does even if it doesn’t seem rational at all. To be able to feel something without being in the drama of it.
And finally, realizing when it is truly time to allow a story to heal.
There are many layers to this, and many things that can be disclosed here. Today I will share one of the earliest and most impactful stories about love in my life.
I hope that it touches your heart in whatever way your heart might wish to connect.
One of my earliest lessons in understanding the heart came through my mother. After more than a decade of being in an unhappy marriage with my father, she left. I was 9 years old.
My whole world changed in that moment. I literally came home from school one day and as the afternoon continued to unfold I understood that this day was not like any other day I’d come home from school.
Everything looked the same, except that it wasn’t because that was the first day my family completely changed.
I will not go into more details as they are not really relevant to this story. I can just say that as far as divorces go, it wasn’t the prettiest. And, it also wasn’t the worst. But the common thread that I felt — as with all divorces I have observed — was that there was a lot of pain that needed to be processed by all who were involved, on many levels. My mother was not exempt from this, even if it was her choice.
Of all of the people involved, from my family and the members of my new blended family, I was the youngest.
I can’t speak for anyone else in my family. I can only share from my (very young) perspective as well as what I’ve been able to piece together in later conversations and looking in hindsight, but I somehow felt that being the age that I was, I had the easiest time taking it all in. But “easy” is relative, isn’t it?
It felt hard. Did I feel like I just went through the biggest rug-pull of my life? Yes. Was it confusing as hell? Yes. Was it disappointing at the deepest level when I finally understood that my mother was never coming back? It was. There were many tears, resentment and anger, sadness and grief.
And, while I felt all of that, I also very early on in the process grasped something that no one could have explained to me at that time. I could only witness it, and experience it in a way that once it landed inside of me, everything else would fall into place.
There was one day, I really don’t remember how long it had been since the first day — but I imagine it was within the year — that I happened to look up and notice my mother and her partner (who is a longtime stepfather by now) at a bit of a distance, standing together laughing and sharing a sweet moment. It wasn’t my first time seeing them interact like that, but something about that moment showed me more than just two people getting along very well together.
I saw love. I saw happiness. I saw two people who were genuinely happy to be in each others’ company, caring for one another. I saw the cultivation of a beautiful and healthy relationship.
And the biggest eye-opener was something that hit my whole body like a lightning bolt — the realization that I never once saw that happen between my two biological parents. It was almost like I was watching something on TV, or in a movie. Something completely separate from me because it hadn’t been in my immediate reality.
I also realized that I was seeing a completely new version of my mom. I’d never seen her laugh and smile like that before. It was like a revelation, that she could display those emotions so freely.
In that very moment, the pain, the resentment and anger, the sadness and grief…. all of it became meaningless. I’m sure that a part of me had to go through all of it, and that’s okay. But after this moment, it was done.
And the understanding that came afterwards was the teaching that I would carry with me for all of the relationships I would have in my life — that this is the reference point for what you actually want your relationship to look like.
Of course, there are many other extremely important markers, but this one absolutely can’t be left out. As I write this, they just last week celebrated their 27th wedding anniversary — Happy Anniversary!
Many years later, I thanked my mom for having the courage to walk away from her painful relationship. As an adult I could understand why she had to do that for herself, and that it was far from easy.
Parts of our family shunned her for divorcing. Some refused to even acknowledge her presence afterwards. Others tried to convince her to just stay and be miserable simply because divorce “looks bad” on the family record. (While lying, manipulation, emotional abuse and infidelity seem to be fine, as long as the marriage stays together, wtf.)
Culturally, Chinese families place a great deal of importance on pride and commitment — which are great— if they are actually authentic. When they are not, they unfortunately come at the the cost of things like love, trust, happiness, physical and emotional well-being. Well, I’m sure that’s not news to most people.
I knew what my mother did for herself — she chose happiness from the only place it could be chosen from — her heart. But it was not only for her. This one shift in her life, broke what would have become a pattern in her lineage, and in the end it was a gift not only for herself, but for everyone else in her lineage, which happens to also include me.
For her to shift that patterning and conditioning for me at such an early age is something I’ve never forgotten, and is something I still actively hold dear to my heart to this day.
It doesn’t mean that I didn’t still have to go through a handful of my own relationship lessons (ie. all of the other markers, sigh), but I’m grateful that when I check in with my reference points, this is one of them.
As I navigate my own shifts and turning points in my own relationship journey, there are a couple of exceptional moments that have made their imprints on me and my heart, which you will surely find in popping up in my writing. I hope to see you there too :)
