Cleaning the Soul’s Closet
Recently, I started reviewing what I have in my closets. Depressing and overwhelming for sure. I have two walk-in closets in our master bedroom. Despite giving away more than twenty bags of clothes (too big, yay!) and seven bags of purses and the no longer practical/safe high heeled shoes, the closets are still so full that the other LaPointe has to use the closets in the spare bedrooms.
I began to see the similarity between my actual closet and my “soul” closet.
It was some years ago that I rid myself of the anger I had toward my mother for years of physical and emotional abuse. I replaced it with understanding of why she was that way, began to see her as a person, and enjoyed being her “friend” for the last seven years of her life. However, there are times when I wish I could retreat to that anger. It was much easier than the sadness over - losing her.
Not long ago I wanted so much to rid myself of the grief I felt over my brother’s death. I have two voice mails on my phone that were sent by my him not long before he died. In the beginning, tears would flow when I heard his voice. It’s a bit better now. As I listen, I can remember his laughter, off colored jokes he often told me, and the crazy antics we shared in our childhood.
There are some things that have taken longer to be rid of. There were times when I was hit with a barrage of angry words from two of my daughters: “You never did….” “You made our childhood horrible.” “I have no respect for you.”
Of course, I didn’t think it had been so bad. Nonetheless, I carried the guilt over whatever they thought I had or hadn’t done.
As the years have gone by, I’ve let go of much of that guilt. I finally decided I’d done my best and that they alone can continue to believe these things for whatever purpose they serve. And that had given me the much-needed peace for which I had yearned for so many years.
In December 2021, one of those daughters died suddenly. That brought a flood of guilt back. Did she ever feel peace or closure with our relationship? Now I will never know.
Just as it is with my actual closets, I know while there is still much left to discard, but there are also good memories to keep. And there is enough time, I hope, to engage in both tasks.
