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The Cave In Which I Drowned My Sorrows
An account of my discipleship under an abusive pastor
“The lamp of the body is the eye. If therefore your eye is good, your whole body will be full of light. But if your eye is bad, your whole body will be full of darkness. If therefore the light that is in you is darkness, how great is that darkness! Matthew 6:22–23, NKJV
Spanish is my second language. To some, this is mildly surprising, to others a grave disappointment. Every once in a while, I happen upon someone utterly unable to believe the words coming out of my mouth.
But I have learned over time that truth is stranger than fiction…and so, to many people, is my existence.
As a toddler, I was enamored by Dora the Explorer because she looked like the little girl I saw in the mirror. I would set out orange shorts and a pink T-shirt, determined to match my cartoon likeness before I was even old enough to understand that Dora and I, while similar in phenotype, were actually worlds apart.
A far cry from Spanish fluency, but I could count to 100 thanks to my beloved number placemat. After taking an afterschool class in the first grade, I knew my colors in Spanish, too.
But despite my dark eyes curtained with lashes, full lips, and thicket of curly hair, I am not what others’ assumptions have painted me out to be. I grew up with idli, sambar, masala chai, and pierogi. There was no dish of arroz con gandules on the table at any of my family’s holiday gatherings.
This, of course, is irrelevant to most people. And it was objectively irrelevant to the Pastor.
The Pastor entered my story long before I knew him by anything but his name. Before I was married and then quickly divorced. Before I was even engaged.
During my marriage, he was an extra in the background of my life: present, but only in the periphery. He delivered forceful sermons at Wednesday night Bible study that often left people feeling convicted. He was a powerful orator and a well-known presence in the circles of faith of our small city.
The Pastor straightened his kinky curly hair, letting it fall to his shoulders. He showed up at the hospital in a superhero cape when his wife was ready…
