This is not a love story
Because no love story ever started with “I’m not looking for a relationship”.
We all fell for the Disney formula, let’s face it. Yes, even the guys. We learned early on that we’re supposed to meet The One and know it instantly. From thereon out, it’s meant to be a straight linear progression from dating to engagement to marriage, a house and kids. Maybe with a little cohabitation in between, if you’re gonna be daring. However far we think we’ve come as a society, we haven’t deviated that much from the script.
No complexity. No wondering. No doubt. No mess. Everyone’s supposed to know their part and play it according to the script.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m cynical of all of that. Even as a little kid I was a bit like “but it can’t be that simple” when the prince carried the princess off to the palace at the end of every movie. But there’s still a part of me, as I suspect there is in everyone, that wishes it could be.
The problem with the whole process of forming real relationships between real human hearts is that it’s messy. It’s not as simple as locking eyes across a room and just knowing you’re meant to be, even though we’re kind of conditioned to think that’s how it’s supposed to be and anything less than that is, well, less.
The uncertainty of dating
The first weeks of a relationship are a maelstrom of emotions and a whole lot of not knowing, which is difficult for us humans, as we tend to crave predictability and certainty despite rationally knowing that we can’t really have that in our ever-changing world. You don’t know if the other person likes you (or if they do, how much they like you and in what way). When to have sex? What if the sex isn’t great (as it sometimes isn’t with a new person because, you know, nerves and stuff)? Are they dating/sleeping with other people? When do we have the conversation about exclusivity? How honest should you be about what you want in future? Too honest about things like marriage and kids and you scare them off. If you do the whole “oh no I don’t want a relationship, I’m a cool girl, lets just do whatever” thing, you risk not being taken seriously. A lot of us women were taught during the liberated ‘ladette’ era that we should be just as casual as the boys; that by being adamant about how much you didn’t want a relationship, you’d get one. How fucked up is that?
Yes, I’ve done it, and no, it never ended well. If I genuinely didn’t want a relationship, usually the other person did and I broke their heart. If I actually did want a relationship with someone and I was just trying to be, you know, casual about everything and hope that led to them wanting to be with me because I was so cool and undemanding, inevitably they broke mine. Sorrows would be drowned in copious bottles of wine, of course, and my girls and I would plan elaborate revenge.
But nobody ever asked the question “Why is nobody being honest about what we want?”
Honesty is not the best policy
We’ve learned that we shouldn’t be honest; that we only get what we want by lying our way to it. So is it any wonder that we’re always looking for the subtext? If someone says “I don’t want a relationship” does that mean “I don’t want a relationship” or does it mean “I’m not sure if I want a relationship and I want to test the water first” or does it mean “I want a relationship but not with you?” I don’t think I’ve ever formed a relationship with anyone who actually said to me straight up “You know what, I’m looking for a serious relationship, I don’t want to fuck around”. Literally everyone I’ve ever had a relationship with, from casual relationships to the man I was married to and everything in between, started out by saying “I’m not looking for a relationship”. It’s the first line of defence in modern dating warfare. And you know what? I’m kinda done with it.
I do suspect that despite our protestations to the contrary every time we’re faced with the possibility, that most of us want love, but we’re so busy saying we don’t want relationships that we miss the chance to actually experience any.
Liz Smith is a writer, editor, mental health advocate, and probably just wants to be loved really. Scribblings are free to read; the little green heart is my only currency.
