We All Need Somebody To Lean On
Healthy ways to ask for and give care.
Mainstream Western culture is full of messages about the importance of self-reliance. It is the “pull yourself up by your own bootstraps,” mentality. The reality is that people need each other, especially during times of national crisis, such as the Covid-19 crisis and most recently the national police violence against African American people. It turns out, there is a lot we could learn from and hopefully give back to marginalized communities.
Marginalized communities within the Healing Justice Movement emphasize the need for interdependence within communities. Why? Because there is safety in solidarity with others who have had similar experiences, especially when you must contend with a larger oppressive mainstream.
When we think about mainstream culture and the idea of mutual support, we find ourselves lacking the language to ask for the kind of support we might actually need. Many people like to give advice, even unsolicited, but most people don’t actually want advice when they say they need support.
So what other kinds of support might we need?
The Basics: Connection and Validation
Most people need connection and validation. Have you ever ranted about a particularly bad day and had a friend intuit how it was affecting you emotionally? You may have felt a sense of relief, as people typically do.
Most people are looking for validation. Validation is helping someone feel they have a right to feel their emotions. People fear they are crazy, irrational, or weird for feeling what they feel. They want to know that others identify with what they are feeling and that they are not alone.
Shared experience
Maybe you had a father or grandfather who told you stories from their own experience that were similar to what you were facing? Some people have a gift for connecting with stories and people appreciate knowing that someone else has experienced similar feelings or situations.
Inspiration or encouragement
Are you struggling to find confidence or hope? You may need someone who can encourage you or help you to find hope.
Venting
Sometimes it feels good to partially or fully express the intensity that you are feeling. If you are seeking this type of support ask for consent. If you are offering it, it is best to know the limitations of your comfort with emotional intensity.
Companionship
Maybe you are dealing with intense emotions or are otherwise not ready to talk about what you are feeling. You may be comforted by doing some activity someone, even if you do not wish to speak directly about what you are feeling. Some people may be comforted by companionship or simple physical presence.
Affection
Verbal and physical affection can be comforting. When asking for or giving physical affection it is really important to recognize boundaries and ask for consent.
Safety
You may need to be around someone you trust who can give you a sense of emotional and physical safety. For some people who have experienced trauma, finding a sense of safety is difficult or rare.
Physical or logistical support
You may need logistical support such as help cooking meals, getting groceries, caring for children, a place to stay, carrying things, or transportation. If you are offering care, especially for someone who is ill, elderly, differently-abled, burned out, grieving, or overwhelmed with responsibility, consider offering some kind of logistical support. It is best to ask someone if they need physical or logistical support, except for emergency or crisis situations.
Financial support
Some people are in financial need and wish to find financial support. Financial support is especially difficult to ask for, and yet, so many people suffer because of it. Providing financial support can be tricky, especially for ongoing relationships as emotions and attitudes about giving or receiving money run deep. It is really important to recognize and communicate your boundaries when offering this type of support.
How to ask for or give advice
Even though people often give unsolicited advice, some people are actually looking for advice about their situation. Here it is best if you need advice to specifically ask for it. If you think a person may be wanting this type of support ask for confirmation that it is what they want before giving it. Asking for consent is especially important for people who experience oppression.
Asking for support
Because we are part of a culture that discourages interdependence, most people, especially people who are marginalized, have trouble asking for help. Many people feel ashamed or fear to be a burden. We often fear vulnerability even when we actually do need help.
Hopefully, you have people you trust and can turn to who will be supportive in the ways you need it. If you feel isolated, consider the possibility that people may be willing, though they might not know how best to support you. It is helpful to identify specifically what type of support you need and to ask for it.
How much emotional support is healthy?
Some people need more emotional support than others. Some people suffer a lot of trauma or crisis in their lives, especially if it is due to health issues, mental health issues, having a marginalized identity, or other circumstances. Your need for emotional support is valid and no one needs to be shamed for how much emotional support they need.
On the other hand, your need for emotional support does not mean that you can demand or expect it from one or a few relationships. People have their limits, though tragically few people recognize them much less know how to communicate about them. Practice asking for consent in seeking support. You may also communicate what type of support you are seeking. Pay attention to signs that a person is overextending themselves and remember to check in with them about what their limits are.
Giving support
If you are a person who is open to giving support, it is helpful to communicate your willingness. People especially appreciate you asking what support they need or offering specific types of support if they do not know what to ask for. When you offer support, learn your limits, and communicate what kind of support you are willing and able to give. You are overreaching your boundaries if you feel overly drained or resentful after you give support. If you are offering a type of support, try asking for consent before you give it and also allow that person to ask for the type of support they need.
Healthy boundaries and communication about your needs are key in cultivating healthy interdependence within communities. We need our communities more than ever to help us become more resilient and positive in the face of an ever-changing world.
For further resources, see The Fireweed Collective, a radical mental health community, or check out Common Violet Therapy.
