Post-Bridget Jones Era.
As I sit here trying to figure my love life out, — Christmas Holiday around the corner — I am realizing that the Bridget Jones of nowadays women have evolved to outperform her at any level.
As a self-designed feminist, the last years have become crucial in my education. I’ve always striven to become a better version of myself as the patriarchal society has been telling me for far too long that I was not enough to call myself smart, and sexy at the same time. I’ve decided that I didn’t want to be the latter so I went with the former.
I speak six languages. I’ve a university degree, and two masters, and I’ve changed careers twice, both of them quite successful. I’ve lived in London, Barcelona, Italy, and the USA. I’ve had some high-flying jobs that had all costs-covered trips to Paris, and abroad. I’ve been a speaker and mentor. A podcast host interviewing thought-leaders, and I just finished my first memoir after quitting my job due to severe gender discrimination from my male managers and going backpacking alone throughout South America (Oh, how uncomfortable I feel to publicly share my successes! So much that I can’t refrain to apologize from this intrusion but that's the job I have to do:))
Only now, and after breaking free from external validation thanks to therapy and an outstanding dose of self-love, and compassion I’ve come to realize that I am quite smart. SMART with capital letters. I am a people SMART. I am street SMART. I am creatively SMART. I am SMART in so many ways that I can’t believe that so many experiences can fit into a thirty-something life.
I sit here in my rented flat -finally, I can afford to live on my own — wine glass empty by my computer as I dare to reflect on what life has become for us women. I can’t speak in the name of us all, that’s for sure, but I can speak in the name of some. Those who strive and are becoming daily a better version of themselves. Those who are realizing that we need to move beyond the emotionally unavailable men. Those who are demanding what they deserve. Those who are not putting up with the bare minimum.
As I look around myself, and see friends getting married, and people starting families, I try to assess my feelings, and see if I am feeling jealous. I do not. Films have been telling us that there is a certain age when we start to experience longing to meet the right one or start a family. But, it’s not always the case.
I don’t envy my friends who have come to settle down and are starting families. I don’t envy them when I see that their husbands are not supporting them with child-rearing. I don’t envy them as they get to call someone “Love”, and sweetheart. Because the price they have to pay for that is too pricey. Too self-sacrificing. I don’t want to judge anyone, and I do respect everyone’s decision to share their life with someone.
But they have to be darn good to allow them into my life. There is a lot of personal idiosyncrasies involved but we, women have grown to be intellectually and financially independent to put up with anything less than outstanding. We are not out there trying to get married anymore. I am past that. I don’t believe in marriage. I believe in love if there is something as such in a world that’s becoming more, and more individualistic.
I’ve recently told someone that if my life doesn’t improve significantly next to someone, then I am out of it. This is how I am thinking right now. I don’t know if it’s going to change tomorrow but we’ve reached zero BS tolerance.
We are at a period in time when women have become the masters of our souls. We don’t owe anything to anyone. We are building ourselves. We are stronger than we’ve ever been. We are more united trying to dismantle something that’s had our wings clipped. We want to fly free, and we search for something that is meant to support this new revolution we are going through.
We are past the desire to find someone to love forever after. We can chase for a while but we get tired as soon as we realize that’s not worth chasing for anything outside. Whatever is worth pursuing, is already happening, and we are part of a feminist wave that has no return. I was shocked the last time when I watched the first Bridget Jones movie, and outraged at some of the male’s comments towards her. We all know how obnoxious Hugh Grant’s character was in that movie. I was outraged that twenty years ago, men could be so publicly sexist towards their workers in such a nonchalant manner that today’s world can’t even understand how that was happening. Our tolerance for sexism is where it should have always been. Zero tolerance.
I am pleased to see that we are speaking against, or armoring up to do it and raise awareness that anyone should be commenting on our life choices, even if they aren’t choices per se. We have grown to be bold.
I love my life as a single woman. I don’t live in any movie-like city, and I lead quite a simple life. I love my books, and meeting (female) friends over lunches, coffees, and dinners. I love to see how we’ve outgrown what we were supposed to be. We’ve broken the mold. We have come so far. I suppose there is some negative side to this freedom. This revolutionary way to put an end to sexism, and any gender-based violence. I love how we’ve grown to support each other and become sisters holding each other’s hand in a world that’s been unfriendly, and unfair in so many ways.
Whereas this Christmas we will still laugh at romantic comedies, and the idea of love is still there to warm us this Christmas. We need to be aware that we are challenging romantic love as we’ve known it, and we are not as desperate to find it as we used to be. I recently wrote to someone that if my emotional, or mental health wasn’t being enhanced by being in a partnership, it was a huge NO for me.
Of course, I believe in love and maybe I’ve grown bitter after so many deceptions. But I believe in a love that’s understanding and takes effort to build. I am still figuring out how to behave in blooming relationships without taking too much emotional responsibility onto my shoulders. I am an avoidant in recovery so when people get too close, I freak out. I don’t know how to handle their emotions. I focus on their emotions too much, and together with mine feel too big of a backpack to carry. I want to learn how to not make myself too responsible.
I was thinking that the term emotional responsibility was created for men. We had enough to have our hearts broken, and someone smart enough — I am sure she was a woman — came up with this term to educate men on being responsible for their actions. Whereas I am thinking of another term for women like me who take too much responsibility, I am realizing that I don’t need the permission slip of an umbrella word to unlearn it. To give myself a break. To be who I want to be without remorse.
But ladies, we have come for.
Thank you for your co-responsibility to speak up, and come up with words that make the world a better place, and it’s inclusive for both men and women to build relationships where a new concept of love is being built.
With a more balanced emotional responsibility,
Cristina
