Written In The Stars… Or the Cards… Or… Um…

The Messy Artist tackles horoscopes.

I’m sorry, can we just take a second to appreciate the shape-up on that Leo? His barber got skills.

My name is Sarim Irfan. I am a student. I am a writer. I am a Muslim.

And I am a Scorpio.

If you’re unsure as to why I added such dramatic importance to my Zodiac sign, welcome to the club! I don’t quite know why either…

Not the most flattering depiction of me. My tail’s bigger in person.

Now, I don’t think horoscopes are suddenly all the rage right now. I know a lot of people read them, and I’m sure they’re important to many, but they’re not a particularly talked-about topic at this moment in time. The reasons I’m writing this are simple: a) I find the topic interesting, and b) my friend Renzo asked me to. Hi Renzo!

This post will basically be an explanation of my stance on the matter: I do not believe in the predictions of horoscopes. That’s not to disrespect anyone who does, it’s just simply not my cup of tea. There are a number of reasons for my star sign skepticism. For one, as I stated in the first line, I am a Muslim. My opinion on the matter at hand is therefore primarily shaped by my Islamic faith, and what the Qur’an has to say on the matter.

In the Qur’an’s fifth chapter, Surah Al-Maida, there is mention of the division of arrows in the third verse. This is in reference to the practice of soothsaying, or predicting the future. The verse is roughly translated to: “Forbidden also is to use arrows seeking luck or decision; all that is disobedience of Allah and sin” (Qur’an 5:3). The basic takeaway from this is that the practice of astrology — using the positions of stars to find meaning and direction in life , and in turn predict the future — is forbidden. No person can tell the future but Allah, and for a Muslim to consult horoscopes or other such things is forbidden.

Basically, if a soothsayer comes my way:

Stephen says no. (via GIPHY)

So… Yeah. Don’t believe in ’em because I couldn’t if I wanted to.

The second reason I don’t believe in horoscopes is a tad immature, but I stand by it nonetheless. The thing is… they just sound funny. A lot of the horoscopes I’ve ever read have had questionable writing, to say the least. I’ve often been left confused by their wording, unsure of just what they’re trying to predict.

Jupiter is doing what to who now?

I can’t really be expected to take horoscopes seriously if every other one is going to send me into a laughing fit. With that example above: I get it, 2017 is supposed to be a lucky year for me… But could they not have just said that? Why does Jupiter have to be invading my personal space? And what does “luck” mean? Am I going to find a $20 bill on the street? Am I going to get lucky after a night of clubbing (lol jk haram)? Will I narrowly avoid a car accident? Like…

(via GIPHY)

Then there’s the whole idea of star constellations somehow determining your personality traits. To this day, I have not heard a decent explanation of how that works. I also don’t see how such generic traits have been made specific to certain signs. Here are the traits from a quick Google search for my sign, Scorpio:

“ Scorpios are strong, commanding, intense, passionate and zealous. Driven, dedicated and loyal, they also are ambitious and security-loving.”

I mean okay, yeah, I can give examples of how each of those traits fit me in some capacity. But they aren’t exclusive to people born in November. My father is one of the most driven people I know, always seeking some kind of challenge in his work. He was born in February. My mother is the source of most of my strength; my favourite example of this is her completing her second Masters degree while caring for a then one-year-old Messy Artist. She was born in June. I have a friend with white hair… Pretty zealous to me. He’s an October baby.

You can see how the whole personality thing falls short to me.

K then. (via GIPHY)

Finally, there’s the vague wording, which ties in a little with the earlier note on hilarity. Now, to be fair, I’m an English major; specificity has been all but beaten into me so far, so I’m likely to have a mild vendetta against anything that sounds too ambiguous. But come on. Making weird connections that seem a stretch are what I do, and even then a lot of horoscopes seem way too far-fetched.

*eyes emoji*

If you’re going to make some kind of prediction for the future, you have to be at least a little specific. I mean, of course, you can’t be, because telling the future in this way is impossible. But if you’re going to try to do so, you have to give me some detail. Any little hint or specific word that will guide me to expect some particular situation arising in the future. Otherwise, you’re left with a string of random, faux-deep sounding words from which no deeper meaning than “____ may occur some time” can be inferred. And that’s useless to everyone.

Yeah… I kind of went from “no offense” to “are you dumb?” real quick.

Apologies to anyone I may have offended, but that’s my take.

I leave you with a fun, satirical take on horoscopes:

Seems legit.

Till next we meet,
Sarim