SENSE AND NON — SENSIBILTY

Please don’t roll your eyes thinking this is another one of those corny; predictable stories by a millennial where they try too hard to seem cool. Maybe it is…maybe it is not. But you know what they say, “Har maa ke liye uska bacha Shahrukh Khan hota hai”. This is my Shah Rukh Khan…not the ‘Dilwale’ or ‘Happy New Year’ version but the ‘Kal Ho Na Ho’, ‘Main Hoon Na’ one…oh wait I forgot ‘Om Shaanti Om’. It’ll make sense to some and seem like complete nonsense to so many.

A lot of my friends have been asking me how living alone for the first time has been. Some ask because they worry, some because they are amused and some earnest ones simply because they still can’t get over it. Some just to make me feel on how far away from Wake Up Sid my life is.

So I’m doing what I do best — humour the humourless, and ramble away.

‘Duniya Kadmon Mein’ Waali Feeling

The very first day I felt like I own the world…living on the first floor! I remember after unpacking sitting on my bed and thinking. “Hell yeah! I am ready for life.” So, life very modestly decided to test me by dropping a lizard on my shoulder (who I think was more scared than I was). That night as I darted out of my house…block…society onto the main road in a pair of Simpson boxers and t-shirt, I discovered my kickass reflexes. I didn’t even care to shut the main door or grab my keys. I just darted out. 8 years of cross-country training finally came to some use.

My first reality check: before putting myself out there I had to start dealing with the comparatively smaller things. Although, how having a lizard fall on your shoulder is a SMALL thing, I don’t get. All my talks of facing life with courage were flushed down a Mumbai drain as I tiptoed around my house for the next few days…actually months.

And slowly I realised that there was so much more to learn before doing a zillion other things.

Sleeping alone at night was another thing. Moments like those I wanted to hit my head on the wall for watching movies like The Conjuring and Exorcism Of Emily Rose. Even Aahat was enough to give me a cardiac arrest.

I was more homesick at the age of 25 then I was at the age of 9 when I joined my boarding school. Nights turned into endless phone calls until 1 day I was so exhausted that I crashed at night. Voila! Fuck you fear.

Lizardddddd

Just when I thought I was rid of all fear, the very beautiful creature with big beady eyes decided to become a frequent visitor. (Not anymore though…or so I think.)

I don’t know what it is about them but they just creep me out. That face, those eyes and that skin colour! I’m shuddering just describing them.

I was scared to enter my own home because of these creatures. Many told me they are “bhagwaan ka roop” and not to kill them. But I wasn’t ready to be acquainted with god just yet, especially if that is how god looked.

A lot of friends living alone came to my rescue and told me hacks to keep lizards away. One day I got a really animated call from a barely 5 feet tall, supremely dramatic friend, who was giving me the courage to overcome my fear. Turns out she’s become a legit lizard murderer with her all time favourite weapon of choice — the broom. What started out as an animated conversation quickly turned into a gory one as she spared no detail on the blood and mush that she had to deal with once the creature was murdered. I was petrified enough, I really didn’t need those details…also how did she have the balls to clean that muck of the floor, is still unimaginable. That really was an act of valour! It’s one of her USP’s now.

Whoever tells you lizards are harmless, ARE LYING. I get that they feast on the insects in your space but they are not harmless. They make you pee your pants every time you cross their path. That my friend doesn’t seem harmless to me. Peeing in your pants means extra clothes for the maid to wash.

The Actual Bhagwaan Ka Roop — Maids

I’ve seen my sister-in-law and mom go through the ordeal of finding a maid and only hoped I never go through that. But in my whole scheme of being independent I never thought about the domestic help part of it. It is pain…wait for it…ful! ( Barney Stinson would face palm me right about now).

The initial days I would sweep and mop the house daily. Ok! Maybe not daily but 3 days a week. I promise! After realising how out of shape my glutes and I were, I decided to find a maid. I thought it’d be as easy as telling the society security to send a maid to my house and all my problems will come to an end.

3 maids and 60 days later I can assure you, there is nothing easy about it.

I’ve had 2 maids just leave and never come back. Felt like an abandoned lover who doesn’t know what went wrong but something for sure did. My maid ghosted me!

Kindly insert those “ek tarfa pyaar” dialogues here!

Cleaning the house didn’t seem as tiring as washing clothes. Next time gym freaks talk about strength and core and gut, I’m making them wash bed sheets.

“What you seek is seeking you”, Rumi sure did know!

“Where art thou maid?”

I am seeking you!

50 shades of grey

I do not have a Christian Grey I’m in a live in relationship with. I wonder if that’s a good thing or a bad, but for now no Mr. Grey.

My shades are literally the small things I’ve learnt to do or not do.

1) Never ever pour oil in the dispenser without a plate underneath it. And if you do and when the oil does spill please remember the laws of physics. (I’m hoping it was physics.)

2) If you have gravity issues, DO NOT : transfer things from dishes, try to hammer a nail on the wall, go anywhere near glass bowls (it’s just extra work…trust me), try to shoo a lizard away using your broom — you wont know what fell first, the lizard or the broom.

3) The joy of dancing all by yourself to loud music is indescribable. You also get to know the diversity of your playlist. You’ll never know when your playlist went from the top billboards to the latest Bollywood hits to Himmesh Reshammiya and eventually to Ole Ole.

4) My unbelievably shocking moment yet — making kickass dal tadka (no sarcasm) with overcooked the rice that would be fit for grandparents who forgot to bring their dentures to the dinner table.

It’s been hectic and fun. Recently a lot of my friends have started living alone and they swear that it is one of the best decisions they have made, and I agree.

The struggle was real but you know the saying “Hamari filmo ki tarah, hamari zindagi mein bhi end tak sab kuch thik hi ho jaata hai … happy’s ending”, unless your life is like a film with Uday Chopra in it. In that case my friend you’re going to be that part of the YRF clan who no one remembers.