Hard to talk trash about names when you have a name like that, Billy

Blog time in America

Real dope site Deadspin (really, I love Deadspin) published an article by Billy Haisley today. It was about how he hates the names of the US Men’s U-20 National Team players who just qualified for the U-20 World Cup in Korea Republic.

It was dumb and a little bit funny and who cares? I care.

I like making fun of other peoples’ names as well — it has nothing to do with the fact that I have the most common first name of all time. (Michael was the #1 name for baby boys from 1961 to 1998. WTF.)

For instance: Kyle Busch and his wife Samantha named their son Brexton. That, my friends, is a truly horrifying name, worthy of as much derision and vitriol — not towards the poor kid; not his fault! sad! — as one can possibly muster. It is offensive and should come with a penalty of sterilization for both Mr. and Mrs. Busch.

So, when Mr. Haisley took issue with a few of the Baby Nats’ names, I was like fine, go for it. But, well, just take a look at this paragraph:

Seriously, can you see yourself pulling for someone called Coy Craft, a forward in the FC Dallas system? Can you even envision a world where you hear the name Brooks Lennon and not reflexively want to vomit? Or one where Luca De La Torre is not just some stereotypical Italian name you dreamt up for the annoyingly chatty guy behind the counter at the pizza place down the street who insists on asking you how your mother is every time you stop in for a slice (buddy, you’ve never met my mom, why do you even care how she is?!?!)…

Yeah, Coy and Brooks kinda suck as names, but Luca De La Torre? That’s a dope name. Mr. Haisley goes on to list names such as Eryk Williamson, Erik Palmer-Brown, Justen Glad, and Auston Trusty, among others. The harshest ridicule you can lay on the parents of these players is that they quite obviously ripped of George RR Martin by switching up the vowels in hyper-common names.

I mean, the names aren’t great, but, considering the era in which these dudes were born, I would say these players escaped relatively unscathed (remember Brexton? BREXTON?!).

What makes this whole thing better, or worse maybe, is that Mr. Haisley goes by Billy…which…

Here are the first few things that pop into my head when I see the name Billy:

  • That punk-ass neighbor kid I used to fight with all the time when I was a kid because he was a punk-ass.
  • A moron going back to school, starting with kindergarten, to get his high school diploma because his dad bribed his teachers to pass him the first time. (I love that movie, calm down.)
  • Billy the Kid, who was actually a pretty cool Old West gunfighter (dangit!).
  • It seems accurate to say that over half of all bullies are named Billy.
  • Billy Graham, who is still somehow alive and sucks, and whose son also sucks.
  • Billy Bush.

Additionally, Billy barely uses Twitter. Are you even a real blogger if you don’t Tweet incessantly? (Please follow me on Twitter, folks. PLEASE I NEED FOLLOWERS FOR MY SELF-ESTEEM.) I’m just presenting the facts.

Anyway, no one talks about US Soccer in this manner and gets away with it. Ol’ Billy wants to MAGA USMNT names! Not on my watch, pal. The only thing worse than Billy’s article would be a poorly thought out “takedown” of it by the likes of me.