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YOUR Kinda 2016 Guide to YOUR 2016 Fitness Resolutions

In case you’ve managed to miss the big news, it’s 2016, and with the start of any and every new year comes….New Year’s resolutions.

You know what it is — that ONE time in the year (fittingly, the absolute beginning of the year) where people are so overtaken and trembling with motivation and a new propensity for goal-setting, that the general population, for a split second, takes on the qualities of laser-focus and Jedi-mindedness in order to achieve their biggest and wildest dreams.

Unfortunately, these qualities and new-found motivation don’t typically last. Jobs happen, lives happen, and, quite frankly, shit happens. Somewhere in between all these happenings, dreams fade and goals die. Fortunately for you (yes, you, who has just happened to stumble upon the great Midwest Express), I’m here to help keep you on track with some tidbits that have worked for me over the years — especially in January when I’m extra motivated and ready to grab the world by it’s big ‘ol balls.

Unfortunately, these hopefully-helpful tips are aimed solely towards your fitness goals (unless you’re more creative than me and can apply them towards everyday life), as that is how I am best equipped to help anyone who may read this. First and foremost, I don’t consider myself a meathead (seriously, to all you ass-faces who are reading this thinking, “Psh, this joker is such a meathead, I bet he doesn’t touch carbs or where a shirt, like, ever, and says ‘bro’ a lot.”), but I am no stranger to gyms (whoops, that sounds super meatheady, but time is money and that’s the best I can come up with) and spent a two year stretch of my life where I was literally paid to fitness.

I also love people, and want to see — and help — people get the most out of themselves. So, with all of that probably unnecessary chit-chat out of the way, here are a few ways you can get the most out of yourself this month, and the following 11 months (but let’s focus on the rest of this month, as Rome wasn’t built in a day, and you need a foundation to lay a house on, or something like that).

**There is no particular order in which these are meant to be applied — There was no sculpting this article and there certainly was no planning/pre-writing/drafting (my apologies go to Mr. Swanson and Ms. Rueger J), because that just ain’t my style, yo!**

1. Set An Actual Goal

Obviously, without a goal you have nothing to work towards. I’m not saying this goal has to be extreme. Like, you don’t have to aspire to be Mr./Mrs. Olympia, or participate in and win an Iron Man, or climb Everest, or whatever. While those goals are admirable and badass, for sure, they are not as universally applicable.

Unless you’re already nipple-deep in your respective fitness activity, start small. Seriously. Lose 15 pounds. Workout four times a week. Walk your dog everyday. What. Ever. Is. Clever. Try to set a goal that you know, in the absolute bottom pits of your precious little heart, you can reach. Maybe you reach that goal early (in our case, before 2017) and can get a jump on your next quest. The point is, give yourself something to reach for, but not something that, after a week, makes you say “Shit, what have I done?! What am I doing?! I need ice cream, STAT!” and sends you on an absolute tailspin right back into fitness Purgatory.

2. Ask For Help

This is huge, and maybe the most important of the steps/tips that I have yet to come up with. I’ve come to find that the people you come across in a gym who make people — men and women alike — think or say “DAYUM!” are actually extremely helpful and more than willing to help a stranger on his or her new fitness journey. BUT, you have to be strategic about this. Do NOT approach a gym all-star in the middle of a set or rep or pose, et cetera. Instead, wait until said gym all-star is resting, or hanging out and filling up on proteins and aminos and H2O, and politely introduce yourself and ask if they’d care to share some tips.

That is it. What follows will probably be a huge clusterfuck of valuable information that your brain cannot process, so shut up and pay attention to what’s being laid out for you, fitness noob!

3. Find Your Motivation

Extremely self-help-y or spiritual, I know, BUT seriously, find someone that you aspire to be like and emulate whatever it was that they did to get to that particular point in their fitness-life. When you do, take some time to study — generally speaking, most people who are able to complete 100-mile races, or climb mountains, or who have six pack abs have a pretty good clue on what the hell it takes to get there. Print out a picture, save a picture to your phone, or keep it locked away in your memory banks. Either which way you choose, make sure you have a vision of your future-self close by!

4. Be Confident And Don’t Worry About What You Look Like

Focus on what you’re GOING to look like. Most books that talk about goal setting or making life changes point out the importance of self-visualization. The more you desire something, and the more you think about the outcome, the easier it is to stay motivated. Because, you know, at the end of that gigantic double rainbow is a gigantic pot of fitness-gold with your name on it.

You see pride. You see power. You see a badass mother (not literally) who don’t take no crap off of nobody (if you can’t name the movie from which that insanely awesome and motivational quote is from, without the use of Bing or Google, then you must drop and give me 50). Tunnel vision, homie. Tunnel vision.

5. Find an Accountability Partner

Unless you’re a freak of nature chances are you’re going to need a buddy. Buddies are fun. Especially when it comes to a physical life change. It is hard, no, it is REALLY hard, to embark on this type of journey alone. SO, whether it’s your…. Friendbrothersistermomdadgrandmagrandpahusbandwifeboyfriendgirlfriendorwhoever… find someone who you can rely on to keep you on track, and vice versa. They will hold you accountable. You will hold them accountable. Boom, quid pro quo. Tit for tat. That’s a hell of a deal in which everyone wins.

6. SCHEDULE SCHEDULE SCHEDULE

A lot of people have a hard time getting their exercise in. Working out super early sucks, and working out super late also sucks. Working out during lunch sucks as well (unless you either have a cool boss who gives you extra time to eat and shower post-workout, or you don’t mind being the smelly coworker), but sometimes you may have no choice. Unless you’re in a job in which you literally have no idea when you’re going to work each day, or when you’re going to be off work for the day, finding a solid time to get that pump in can be mind-numbing and frustrating as all get out.

This is where sacrifices must be made. You may have to workout at a time during which you’re not sure you’re awake, or have no mental gas left in the tank, or just flat out don’t want to, but tough shit! YOU made this resolution and YOU are damn sure going to stick to it, one way or another!

6. Your Diet Cannot Suck

Is this obvious? I feel like it’s pretty obvious, so we’ll keep it short. If you eat **insert fast food, unless said fast food is Chick-Fil-A, because having Chick-Fil-A spicy chicken biscuits once a week is essential to living a healthy, long life** everyday, or multiple times a week, you’re not doing yourself (or your buddy) any favors. Luckily for us, someone way smarter than I am capable of imagining myself to be invented this tiny little thing called the internet. The internet, come to find out, is a crazy big shitshow of a world filled with tons of information on tons of different diets; all of which can be tailored to work for you. Plug and chug, baby! And also, drink LOTS of water.


There you have it, your kinda-sorta-I-just-threw-this-together-in-hopes-that-someone-will-take-it-and-apply-it-to-his-or-her-own-goals guide to your 2016 fitness resolutions. I sincerely hope you gained at least the slightest bit of helpful info from whatever it was you just read, and that you can propel yourself into fitness badassery for the year — again, we’re sticking to 2016 for now — to come!

BONUS TIP. Euro Training

Because Terry Crews — the former NFL playing, current Old Spice Guy-ing, action movie starring, dancing robot-ing funnyman you have without-a-doubt seen very recently — is the man.