I’ll Need a Seat For My Emotional Assistance Warthog
You think I’m kidding?
Last year a story made the rounds of a woman who tried to bring a peacock on board a plane as an “emotional support animal”. In a game of chicken (peahen?) against the airline, the woman and her little man friend eventually gave up and found alternate transportation.
Airline bans 'emotional support peacock'
A female traveller was recently banned from taking a large "emotional-support peacock" on board a United Airlines…
This makes me curious, though. As a mentally ill, aka Certified Crazy™, person, it seems reasonable that I might have a legitimate need for an emotional support animal to prevent me from unleashing said Certified Crazy™ upon the rest of the flying public.
After all, are there many things as crazy-inducing as being trapped at 30,000 feet liked canned sardines with a hodgepodge of humanity?
The easy option would be to take my pet guinea pigs. They could easily fit tucked away in my purse, but why go easy when I could aim high? And who knows what I might be able to get away with when I start waving around my Certified Crazy™ status? My doctor’s got an appreciation of the ridiculous, too, so I’m sure he’d help out. That means it’s time to get creative!
An emotional support moose
As a Canadian, a moose seems like a strong contender. The moose in the picture above appears to be heavily tranquilized, but a moose on the loose is a force to be reckoned with. Which means I would be a force to be reckoned with. Now we’re talking.
Forget standing in line to go through security. Get the hell out of our way. That takes care of a major stressor right there.
I have doubts, though, about whether a manly moose would be able to fit his antlers through the door to board the plane. Even a smaller lady moose would probably have a hard time squeezing down the aisles, so I might have to be upgraded to the first row of first class by default.
Now that would be a mental health benefit.
An emotional support sloth
Normally I need to be heavily medicated to sleep on a flight, and even then it’s touch and go. A sloth seems like the ultimate sedative. Just one look at that sleep little face and you’re halfway to la-la land.
If ultra-long-range flights taking up to 19 hours become the next big thing, I think this little dude would be up for some extended spooning time.
Get Ready for Extra, Extra Long Flights
You thought they were long already? You’ve not seen anything yet
Those claws could also come in handy for securing a prime seat and holding on for dear life.
An emotional support proboscis monkey
This silly looking little dude is the ultimate distraction. Crying kid? Proboscis monkey can shut that down in a matter of seconds.
I feel like this little buddy would also come in handy when some guy decides mid-flight that he’s got a captive audience and it’s time to get his flirt on. I could politely say that I already had a boyfriend (indicating not so subtly at Mr. Proboscis in the seat next to me), and his nose was far bigger than Mr. Flirt’s… I’m guessing by the end of that trail-off, Mr. Flirt will shift his attention over to the nearest available flight attendant and leave me and Probo alone.
An emotional support alpaca
This shaggy monster provides a delightful built-in cozy blanket. This is an important feature, as my emotional support alpaca will be far, far cleaner than the blankets provided by the airline.
Another great feature is that alpacas can spit. If anyone starts getting annoying, my alpaca will help to protect my mental health by spit-missiling anyone who brings their obnoxiousness too close to my personal space.
An emotional support warthog
If Timon from The Lion King can be believed, Pumbaa the warthog could “clear the savannah after every meal.” That should help to keep people at an acceptable distance.
If not, those tusks will come in handy. A warthog is exactly the right size to run down the aisle while knocking out wide swathes of annoying people.
If someone is doing yoga in the aisle and causing stress for me by blocking the way to the washroom, my friendly neighbourhood warthog is all over it.
Why Not Perform Some Yoga Poses in the Aisle During Your Next Flight?
It’s Not As If You Have Anything Better To Do
With so many fine choices, I’m not sure I could pick just one. I wonder if I would qualify for an emotional support menagerie? And if our collective size was sufficient to take up the whole plane cabin, then we’d really be talking!