Thanks for Flying Tightwad Airlines!

Welcome aboard — Which in-flight services can you afford?

Roz Warren
Oct 18 · 2 min read
Photo by Randy Fath on Unsplash

Tightwad appreciates your help in keeping us from bankruptcy by paying extra to sit in an aisle seat or to actually travel with luggage.

While waiting to board your flight today, please study this menu of choices we’ve added to fine-tune your flying experience. Select from the following options and return your completed form to the gate agent.

The resulting fees will be charged to your credit card.

SEATING OPTIONS

For a seat that isn’t near a howling baby. $10
For a seat that isn’t beside a dude who hasn’t showered in weeks. $20
For a seat that isn‘t next to a woman going through a devastating divorce who needs a shoulder to cry on. $50
For a seat that isn’t crawling with bed bugs. $100

FOOD SERVICE

We will be serving thin gruel and recycled water during today’s eight-hour flight.
For an upgrade to a carcinogenic lunch meat wrap. $5
For an upgrade to a lukewarm vegan pizza. $10
For permission to cook and eat a fellow passenger. $35

USE OF RESTROOMS

We’ve installed pay toilets on our planes. You may visit the bathroom for $2.00. Other bathroom options:
For permission to smoke a cigarette in the bathroom. $10
For permission to smoke a joint in the bathroom. $20
For permission to have sex in the bathroom. $100
For permission to have sex in the bathroom with a flight attendant. $200.
For permission to have sex in the bathroom with the pilot. $300

YOUR PILOT TODAY

Your pilot today will be Jeff, a twenty-two-year-old recovering alcoholic and sex-addicted recent graduate of Fly By Night Pilot School in lovely Tijuana, Mexico.
To upgrade to a pilot who has had only one drink within the last two hours. $20
To upgrade to a pilot who has had only one heart attack within the last two hours. $50
To upgrade to a pilot who has never crashed a plane. $200
To upgrade to Captain Sully Sullenberger. $200,000.

When we’ve collated this information and assigned your new seats, we’ll board the plane.

Please be advised that anyone who complains about this new fee menu will be assessed a $10 “Please Close Your Pie Hole And Sit Down” Fee.

And thanks again for flying Tightwad!

(If you enjoyed this humor piece by Roz Warren, you might enjoy this one too.)

Roz Warren

Written by

Roz Warren (https://muckrack.com/roz-warren) writes for everyone from the New York Times to the Funny Times.

The Mile High Club

Stories told in the Stratosphere

Welcome to a place where words matter. On Medium, smart voices and original ideas take center stage - with no ads in sight. Watch
Follow all the topics you care about, and we’ll deliver the best stories for you to your homepage and inbox. Explore
Get unlimited access to the best stories on Medium — and support writers while you’re at it. Just $5/month. Upgrade