How You Know You’ve Found Love
I stare down at my sushi.
No wheat, so no soy sauce. Only wasabi and ginger. I take the soy sauce and tuck it under my tray. Frustrated with the ginger package, I rip it open with my teeth and scatter it across the top of my roll. I cringe a bit when I taste the ginger. It’s a bit bitter.
Maybe I’m still bitter.
When I messaged you Tuesday, you said things were going well. We haven’t talked in months. You in South America. Me, stuck in a desk job. When I told you I was thinking about quitting to travel, you seemed excited. Told me it would suit me. Said I should do it.
Maybe I will.
Last year you graduated. You started school later, so I’m much younger. You said you were moving back home. So was I. We talked like we used to for a few days. It was nice. The little romance we had seemed to have vanished. My expectations were gone. My life had finally moved on.
Maybe I was wrong.
That final semester at school we had sex again. I was talking to someone new. We’d seen each other at a house party. It was the first house party I had been to in a long time. When I walked in, you fueled my body like a drug. You were an old addiction and I couldn’t wait for a new hit.
I felt the sting of your beard against my face as we woke. Those old feelings rushed in again. I thought about what life would have been like if things never dissipated, but the thoughts vanished when you walked back out the door. I had done it again.
Maybe this was the end.
You called me in the morning. You say you want to talk, so I hop in the shower. Knowing what was coming, I let the water run hotter than usual. It helped me from shaking.
You told me that a relationship wasn’t what you wanted. You’re weren’t ready. Not right for you. Rife with disappointment, I am not shocked. Upset of course, but not shocked. You walked me to class and said goodbye. I didn’t want you to see my cry, so I stayed silent.
Maybe we would get back together.
We’re at a party. We drink together. Cuddle. By time we leave I’m wasted and you hold my hand. We find friends and laugh and drink and play games. You’re everything I thought I wanted. When we get back home we fall asleep quietly. I think to myself how happy I am, how thankful I am for you.
Maybe you were my healer.
When I met you I had been back at school for two months. My anxiety was high, but I went to grief counseling anyway. When I’m done, I check my phone for a message from you. In moments, you reply. I swear I’ve seen you before.
Later I meet you for the first time in the Student Union. A little food and nice conversation. You seem kind. You’re cute. Are you interested? Must be. When we leave you come back with me. We lay on the bed, make out and fall asleep.
Maybe the fire alarm at 2 am was a sign.
I saw you at a party. We had never met. I turn and ask my friend about you. She whispers your name in my ear.
“Oh?” I say. She laughs and I catch your gaze for a moment. I think about how I have never seen you on campus before. Certainly never with this group of people. You break our eye contact and I sit back on the couch.
Maybe you’re just what I need.
Love.
