Never Dreamed You’d Leave in Winter: Dealing with the loss of a loved one and what lies ahead.
Winter is by far my least favorite season. The unwelcoming cold midwest air, the gloom, the darkness. I hate it. Although, it wasn’t always this way. I remember winter only brought the spirit of the holiday season in me. A time where it felt unforced. Now, the year rushes by I forget that it’s Christmas. I’m already longing for the summer. I used to enjoy seeing the snow like used to enjoy the holidays. Now, I’m only reminded of what was the coldest winter of my life. The one where I lost my mother.
November 23rd, 2010 was a day like no other. I was coming home for Thanksgiving break expecting to see my family all together. This time was different because my mom was still in the hospital where she was receiving cancer treatment. This was challenging for her but I believed she would fight through like many others. I expected to see her the following day, just in time for dinner. This was not the case. Spending my first Thanksgiving without her was strange. I remained hopeful by telling myself “At least we have Christmas”. Ahhh Christmas, the holiday that urges families to come together.
When Christmas break arrived, I remember holding more tightly to that feeling of hope after learning she was still in the hospital. Northwestern Memorial to be exact. The hospital where I would spend most of my break in. It quickly became a second home for us and admittedly, I hated going there. I hated everything from the drive, the parking garage, the elevator out, the elevator in, everything. However, I couldn’t complain because I wanted to cherish every minute I could spend with her.
Despite that, it was still hard to see her suffer. She was not breathing on her own, so we could only tell by her actions what she was trying to say. Even through this, we remained faithful in her recovery. The nurses always wrote the agenda for the day on a white board. One day, I decided to write “cure cancer” on there. I found it difficult to give up that hope because I thought that would mean giving up on her. Love can make you do that.
Finally, Christmas Day was here. I don’t quite remember how it felt waking up knowing my mom was still in the hospital. Maybe I was used to her not being around the house by then, maybe I don’t want to remember. What I do recall, is the empty feeling I felt in the hospital. The feeling that the holidays that I once knew as kid would never feel the same again. It felt like a dark cloud was following us that day.
I also remember that a family friend was there to visit, and she joined us in singing to my mom by her bedside. We were making the best out of the situation. Everyone was together, yet under dire circumstances. I didn’t ask for much that year. The only gift I wanted was for her to come home. Eventually she did, it just wasn’t home to us.
On January 8, 2011 we lost her. I will never be able to describe the feeling perfectly, but on a smaller scale, It’s like watching your favorite sports team lose. You go to the game, with your signs and colors just to come back home in disappointment. We were rooting for her to pull through but she lost her fight. I knew my mom was strong but this was the ultimate fight of her life. She endured because she wanted to be there for us. That last thing I told her is that we would be okay, and maybe she knew.
When I look back on that day I came back for Thanksgiving break, I’m still amazed. I don’t remember much of what she said because I didn’t know that this would be the last time my mom and I conversed. The last thing I remember her saying is “these are my children” to the nurse when I arrived with my brother. She said this with a smile. It was almost like we were the only thing keeping that smile on her face. Despite all that she was going through, she had us to count on. I’ll never forget that.
Another thing I’ll never forget is the outpour of support that she received during her stay. The many people who flew and drove from all over the country and even the world just to see her. It reminded me that compassion goes a long way. If you are good to others, people will remember. It made me stronger knowing that these many people were pulling for her just like I was. They were willing to go through the harsh Chicago winter conditions to be by her side because love conquers all.
Everyone deals with loss differently. We have lost many people this year alone. I even lost my maternal grandmother this summer. I miss them both, but I know that they are no longer suffering. I used to think that death meant the end of the world. Before, I couldn’t imagine life without my mom but I knew she would want me to continue to do my best in life. She was my inspiration before and after her passing. I even recorded a studio album dedicated to her. I started writing the lyrics by her bedside and I finally released it this year. This is only the first step to how I will honor her legacy. Nowadays, I find myself listening to a lot of the music she would play around the house. It has kept the strongest connection to her and I’m grateful for that.
I wish she was still here but I’m glad I was able to show her my music and she liked it. I’m thankful for the last full year I spent with her. There was never a missed opportunity to tell her I loved her. There was never a moment that I took for granted. That is why I’m at peace now. I will continue to make her proud and honor her even though she is not physically here. She is a part of me, therefore she lives on.
Whenever the winter approaches, and the cold air starts blowing, I start thinking of the dreadful season ahead. I’m reminded of how long it’s going to seem. I’m also reminded of the last Christmas I spent with my mom, and envy those who can still see their mothers during this holiday. I look back with a different perspective than before. A beautiful sadness comes over me because I was so concerned about my idea of what a perfect Christmas was supposed to be, instead of seeing the bigger picture. It didn’t matter that we were not in the comfort of our home. It didn’t matter that we weren’t gathered around a table. All that mattered is that we were together and that we were there for each other. No matter what you believe in, that is what the holidays should be centered around.
The older we get, the busier we become. This means that it is even more important to gather on these special occasions. My mother was the one that brought everyone in my family together. When she passed, it hasn’t been the same. This year will be different. I know that we will all re-unite because that is what she would want.
This Christmas, I would urge you all to spend time with your family if you haven’t lately. Listen to them, forgive them, set aside your differences, let them know what is going on in your life. If you cannot make it to see them, give them a call if you have avoided it. You never know when you may see them again.
Through the darkness that winter brings, there is still light in the love and support from our loved ones. Through death, lies a new beginning on the other side. If you have experienced a similar situation like I have, just know that if I made it through, you will too. We will not focus on death, but we will remember and honor the lives of our loved ones. Hold on, spring will be here soon.
