What’s it like being an INFJ

I remember when in high-school we had to take a personality test. And I remember how when I got the result that I was an introvert my friends where astonished. Their reaction was as if I am not a person if I am introverted. Most of them scored as extroverts, and they were all loud and having fun, because their personality suggested careers in business, law, prestigious well paying jobs. And as an introvert my suggestions were: writer, musician, photographer. I vividly reminiscence that feeling of inner shame for being who I am — an introvert.

Then I looked more into the introvert personality type stuff. I read Susan Cain’s book “Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking” and all of a sudden I felt understood, not so lonely anymore.

Then I did some tests and I remember scoring different things but most times I scored as an INFJ. Now the past week or two I took some more serious interest and wanted to see if things have changed, nope still an INFJ.

And you know seeing that INFJ’s are the rarest type making us about 1% — not so sure how accurate that is — although it might make you feel special, it really doesn’t. I mean for me it makes things even harder in day-to-day activities, relationships, heck even living.

I guess the purpose of this article is to write my views on life, how I live, what’s it like. Maybe some will relate, maybe it will turn out i’m not an INFJ, I’m a totally different label, let it be so then.

I often feel depressed, zoned-out of everything that happens around me. For instance, I might be walking down the street, and I feel nostalgic, it’s as if I can see past experiences that happened right where I am walking. I feel separated from all the people, having an inner sensation that this moment is already in the past.

I might be in the public transport and just daydream, look at people and imagine what their life is like. I will pay attention to their gestures, how they are dressed, their face, study them. A girl might be standing close to me, people crammed one by another, and I would pay attention to her scent, her hair, the way she looks, her eyes.

When talking to people I might be staring, keeping strong eye contact and will often tell myself to look away as to not make the other person feel uncomfortable for staring at them. Although that’s not always the case, sometimes if I feel down, I will feel so disconnected that I would not even pay attention to the other and drift away, occasionally nodding and signaling that I’m listening.

I don’t have lots of friends, I live a solitary lifestyle, most time being spent in solitude. I can easily spend a week locked in the house without the need to go outside. Although after prolonged periods, going into the world, seeing what has changed to the better or worse gives me enough energy to retreat into my home, my imagination back again.

The few friends I have, I mostly enjoy talking to them one on one. Often it depends on my mood, because recently I met with a good friend at a coffee-shop and I was more listening than talking. I was in a way absorbing her experiences, stories. Part of it was because I didn't have much to talk about my personal life, as last months were spend in utter solitude, no adventures, no activities. Although I could have easily gone beyond the trivial stuff and try to engage a more deep conversation, I felt unable to due to some interior conflict.

Yesterday as I was showering and thinking about myself in relation to others, I remembered the instance when a university colleague of mine remarked straightforwardly that I appear “to be very reserved and closed”. As it had been quite some months since we have known each other, superficially may I say, and still did not form a bond or an idea of who the other person is. In part that is because of my lack of interest about the other.

I often view relationships as something transitory, something you share with a person for the period you are at school, university, at work, until the environment changes and you could not care less about the other person. They become an other. I tend to instinctively realize if the relationship will go on further or not, is it worth opening up to the other? If after a year we will not even exchange a word. It’s more of a gut feeling that dictates me how to act, open up or not, or wait for a bit longer.

This brings me to the absurdity of high school reunions, which is complete bullshit. Students that once were grouped and had to spend time with one another in classrooms, reunite to do what? People that haven’t talked after years of graduation, who clearly don’t care about the other. If they would of cared there are plenty of ways to message and keep in touch. But they don’t, all you have in common is the past when you had to spend time surrounded by the same group of people because the circumstances made it that way. Sure let’s come and compare our successes, have a drink and reminiscence the good old jolly days. Will hear from you next year! Nope, thank you. Not appealing to me at all.

I guess it is an intrinsic part of an INFJ to have problems with relationships. Personally I was always bad at it, most of them always resulted in failures. It’s hard connecting with other people at a deeper level, although it is not hard to fake a “connection” in some instances. I used to fake it a lot more when I was younger, not so much now, fake interest in people, try to make myself likable in pursuit of social validation.

That is a problem, HUGE one may I add. Feeling constantly as if I’m being judged for who I am, never good enough, always wanting to be liked, accepted by others. And more often than not failing at it, resulting in a sense of even more social seclusion and depression.

Then there comes this thing that you always have to engage and keep in touch, yet the other person rarely is interested in reciprocating and taking initiative. I always find that as a sign that person is not interested and doesn’t want to keep in touch, so I quit trying or investing time since it’s clearly not leading anywhere. After a while, you find yourself trapped in your depression/isolation bubble and can’t get out of it. You can’t tell anyone, so you just quit from keeping in touch with anyone and only after some long time can recover and find the power to say a “Hey, what’s up? How have you been?”.

Talking about depression, for me it personally has started I think with my teen years till now. Depression stemming from this existential pain, seeing all the horrors of the day to day. It’s not so much about seeing, but you are actually feeling the pain. NEWS: A dad stabs his son and then hangs himself, meanwhile his wife is taking a shower next door. Being aware of the bombings, and all the deaths it’s like washing my insides, I absorb and live with it and I might get over it. But the next day it’s something/someone else. Always something else. You would think that eventually you become desensitized, but you don’t for now…maybe you will. You can’t be certain.

A great video that put so well how depression feels like that it left me speechless at the accuracy.

Regarding people you get to the point where you see only the worst in them, not the best. You realize this egocentric drive in most humans, drive for power over others. Relationships built on exchanges and mutual interests. I also often have this inexplicable intuition when meeting people that I have not met before, and it’s like I can already read or interpret what they want, who they are. Again it all comes from being in their presences, seeing the way they talk, words they use, looking at their body language. There is like this intuitive feeling that tells me if this person is good or bad.

Regarding dating and girls, I spend a lot of time in my fantasy relationship world. Finding that person, with whom I am able to be fully open. Once I know someone really well I have no problem in being an open book. But, the past experiences I guess made me so reserved towards whom I choose to open up to. Opening and knowing that you will not be judged, because often you open and the other person just can’t handle it. It’s even harder to fathom loving another person, when deep down you have this hatred towards yourself. Love just becomes a trivial notion from books and movies. In real life it has dissipated and washed off from within. You become so scared that you might never live to actually experience that sort of connection with another. You just get into this negative loop, a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I haven’t really dated a girl, although a part of me (the romantic) craves it. I still feel that love, unconditional love dare I say is the most precious feeling in this world. Who one can give and receive. It’s beautiful. But also something inside me is afraid of loving. Maybe it’s this inability to maintain relationships and this fear of vulnerability that comes with the territory. I have become more estranged about the loving aspect of life, it’s like part of me has turned so dark and closed that it has forgotten what love feels like. I do remember, because I was in love and have loved. But the past years I have not experienced anything remotely close to the butterfly in the stomach feeling.

It’s like I could see a girl and feel physically attracted, but attraction is not the same as love. The type of love that leaves you sleepless for nights, thinking there is no other life without her in yours. If it makes any sense whatsoever. The type of girl that interests me is hard to come upon, and although I know where she is and what she might be doing “staying at home, wrapped in a blanket, with a cup of tea and a good old classic book in the other”. The type of girl that dreams, is modest, funny, awkward in her way. The type of girl that wouldn’t mind for us to spend the weekend laying in bed, cuddling, binge watching TV shows, talking about whatever comes to our minds, not dreading silence in conversations, is authentic, spontaneous, has a rebel inside her that screams “SCREW SOCIETY, I don’t care what other people say, let’s dance in the rain!”, enjoys walks in the nature, looking at the night sky, is creative in her own way, loves music, accepts my imperfections (i’m not the perfect guy lets face it). But even so we can be weird together, embrace it, have fun with it. I guess everything else will fall in its place.

So as an INFJ in relationships I’m not looking for one night stands, or relationships that have no potential for a future. I want to know that it’s for real and it lasts. It’s not about getting physical and moving on, no no, let’s know one another better and not hurry things up kind of way.

Another thing is that as an INFJ I often used to adapt myself to the friend group I was in. For instance, if they are going out and drinking so must I. Although I despised friendships where drinking is the only way of entertainment, which is superficial. I would get drunk and it would make me the fun guy, having a good time, although I was doing it to make myself feel bad, experience the numbness from any feelings I had, drowning my sorrows regretting the next day to have drank so much, feeling miserable, but still…feeling.

Sometimes there are just so many emotions, and spending time for so long in your head becomes a burden. Not being the typical guy with typical interests, hobbies, career path, or even outlook on life. Being an outcast, feeling yourself as one every waking second, you come to the point where all you want sometimes is to be able to leave all the garbage behind, all the depression and hopelessness. To finally be able to pick yourself up and dust everything off and move forward. But then even if you make yourself believe it and have ignited just a small flame that holds for a day or two, it dies and then you wake up back again in your head. Paralyzed. Analyzing, pondering the meaning of your existence, of all the suffering and relationships. Realizing that after one achievement comes another, always more, always the next thing, further and further. And a part of you just feels like not choosing or making a choice is the only power you have left. For as long as you don’t choose everything remains possible. But not choosing is also a choice, and you find yourself in a rat race, one day after another, meandering through the days aimlessly, everything moving fast forward besides you whilst you are stuck in a state of slow-motion. Trapped. Everything growing old and mundane all around you, people running to their destinations, laughing, crying, celebrating. You just observe, you look at them and you want to connect, but you give up. More to often you just don’t have the willpower to fight, for you can’t find your why and you go to sleep afraid that you never will. Then you wonder what death would feel like, how would it happen, when, not being conscious feels so appealing, darkness is not that scary after all. Why should it be?

More than anything I want to do work that matters, with purpose, aligned with my values. That’s why I guess I never could really hold a job for more than a month. The monotony of the 9 to 5 job gets me so down and drained. There are times when I’m just scared that I will never find that niche or thing I enjoy doing and will break down in this broken system. Not making anything of myself. At other times I wonder what does that even mean? Not everyone in this world is born to make an impact, most of us will end up forgotten after some years. History will repeat itself over and over again, because we don’t learn from the past. We just remember the past for a while and then forget it and repeat same mistakes all over again. We are like flocks of sheep, believing every lie we are fed. So flawed, I need to learn how flawed and imperfect we are. I need to remind myself that it is OK. But today’s standards are so high, it’s all about beauty and perfection and doing it all right.

That’s another issue, being too focused on everything turning out perfect, all or nothing attitude. The fun thing is it never does end perfectly, it all just succumbs and brings me nowhere. Wall in the face.

Also don’t know if that’s an INFJ thing in particular, but I’m highly punctual and a man of my word. That means I am being careful with my promises, always thinking if I give my word can it be done or not. Also I appreciate people that are on time and are not late, being late by 5–10 minutes is OK, but if it is more than that then I get angry, anxious. I don’t like being late myself and always tend to become anxious if I see that I am late even though it’s not a serious meeting. I guess it’s that being on time or earlier is a way to show my respect to the other person, and so I don’t want to break that trust.

Then there is this rush of passion and obsession over a thing, where you feel so driven to accomplish it. And you work and you do it and it’s fine, but then it all just fades away and you wonder if that’s the right path. It all just turns into a routine and there is no heart in what you do.

Another thing is that I highly dislike conflict, since I can remember myself I always avoided conflict. It’s just something that consumes me and lives me powerless. All these emotions build up within me and if I hold them inside me long enough eventually I lash out and the aftereffects can be out of my control. I feel like conflicts make me vulnerable, confrontation is my Achilles heel.

It’s funny that if a person feels down or thinks that something is impossible, I do my best to try and motivate him/her to accomplish that purpose. I will offer support to make it happen, listen to them, try to find a way. But as for myself I can’t see myself taking notice of those advises and acting upon them. It’s like they don’t apply to my case. But more often than not I just think I’m not worthy of having accomplished that thing.

You wish you could be more open and have a better relationship with your brother, even family. All you do is just run and hide, you feel an impostor, you sure as hell live as one. You know that running or ignoring will not solve the problem, but that’s just how you cope with it, don’t you?

Sometimes you look back at all the years you have lived and wonder who that person was. Because, you are so different from him now. A part of you wishes you could get back to that old self, careless, joyful, driven, excited about the future. You’re not so sure you can, nor you think it is possible anymore. Not after all the things that have happened, and considering the way you perceive everything that surrounds you. The reality is distorted in your mind, you might be living a lie, a lie you have build, your consciousness and unconsciousness has laid for you. It might be that I am wrong in lots of cases, but it’s so hard admitting your shortcomings. You are driven by the need to always be right, never wrong, the way I see things is the right way. I am aware this is a damaging, wrong way to live your life. It’s just so rooted in me, a comfort zone, maybe a way to escape from facing the outer world?