Meet F*ckface, a monster of the mind
“Although you don’t know what I look like and you don’t really know what my name is, I’m still here. I’m always here.”
The Mind Monster Project is a platform for individuals to explore their blocks, fears, vulnerabilities and greatest mistakes. To meet their monster, people from all over the world have been answering this question:
If you could see the part of your personality that causes self-sabotage, what would it look like?
To meet your own monster, visit the website and answer the questionnaire.
Monster name: ‘Fuckface’
Contributor: Steve Chapman is an artist who has been creating images and masks of his ‘inner critic’ for years in order to dance with his imposter syndrome, rather than feel crushed by it.
Q1. What kind of self-sabotage were you thinking of when drawing your monster?
For me, it’s changed a lot because I’ve been drawing the monster for many years. I don’t know how I’m self-sabotaging at the moment but I know I will do soon. The hand’s on my shoulder so I know it’s there.
‘Fuckface’ was the first name that came to mind. I’ll call him that — it’s a he, definitely — because it’ll wind him up enough that he’ll show himself.
Q2. If your monster could speak, what would it say?
Exactly what he’s saying in the image. I’ve done so much work around this that I could convince myself I don’t self-sabotage. But I know I do. So, he’d say: ‘Although you don’t know what I look like and you don’t really know what my name is, I’m still here. I’m always here.’
Q3. Where does your monster live?
He’s omnipresent but he manifests in my intercostal muscles; a gripping and shrinking of my chest. I get quite bad costochondritis, which is inflammation in these muscles. It’s a stress and anxiety thing, definitely. When they tense up a little bit, I know he’s around.
Q4. Where do you think it might have come from?
It’s a combination of things. Secondary school, for sure. I can remember leaving primary school and thinking ‘I am a genius. This is who I am. This is who I want to be,’ and then leaving secondary school thinking, ‘I don’t know who I am or what I want to be’.
And I think a lot of it’s pre-verbal — before I can even remember — with my parents. So, it’s a combination of things; a series of projections; a series of things that didn’t go well; even minor humiliations… It’s all fodder to him. But that’s why I do ridiculous projects now. Because as soon as my monster says, ‘Oh, you shouldn’t do that’ I think, ‘Ah, good! I’ve got his endorsement now so I’ll do it’.
Q5. How does it make you feel?
It’s not fear. I think there’s an anger that hides sadness. And anger is always a secondary emotion, isn’t it? I don’t know what the sadness is about.
Q6. If there was something you’d like to do with your monster, what would that be?
My immediate response is that I’d love to have him a guest on the podcast. I’ve already put him on stage.
Steve’s podcast, Sound of Silence, is a ‘downloadable pause’ in which he sits in silence for two minutes with 100 different guests in various locations. It’s wonderful. Check it out.
Thank you for visiting The Mind Monster Project. Want to join the movement? If so, you can meet your monster here. Expressive writing submissions are also welcome. And you can support the project by connecting on Instagram or joining the Facebook Group.
