What is a First Listener?
We often hear talk of the “therapeutic journey” — the time spent with a counsellor working through often difficult issues, setting and achieving goals and ultimately striving to know ourselves better.
In reality though, therapy has often started way before: in conversations with friends, during late night heart-to-hearts with a family member or partner, perhaps with work colleagues with whom feelings of stress are shared and empathised with.
As a child or young person, chances are that feelings have been shared with family members — if only to explain ‘bad’ behaviours.
The truth is that often someone who is not professionally qualified will help us by playing the role of therapist. It is this “first listener” who can be incredibly powerful. We will never know how many people would have let problems escalate had they not been able to first talk to such a person.
These initial explorative conversations can be critical in helping someone to normalise their concerns — or indeed to find a new perspective. They can also be the spur for them to seek professional help, if that’s what’s needed.
As first listener, it may be that simply listening is enough. It may, however, be that a confidante unused to this level of disclosure may themselves start feeling uncomfortable and under pressure to respond well. Hearing about someone’s deepest fear or escalating depression is one thing, but knowing how to process that information and how to act in response can be daunting and emotionally draining.
This pressure is exacerbated when we realise that whatever initial reaction we give can mean the difference between them having the confidence to open up or resolved to suffer in silence.
In truth, there may come a point when a friend in need needs more than you can give. For the untrained ‘therapist’, this can be a tiring and difficult crossroads to arrive at.
If you suggest a friend talks to a professional, would that cause offence? Would it break the bond that has enabled them to confide in you? Could it be interpreted as delegating responsibility for a problem that no longer interests you? Or that scares you? Does it imply they have a more serious problem than they imagined?
A middle ground is useful here — and we have technology to thank for it.
Seeking help online is often less daunting and can seem less of an extreme or formal course of action than talking to a counsellor face-to-face.
It is possible to have this conversation while searching through apps and other online mental health support services together on your phone — a lot less intimidating, perhaps, than discussing which counsellor you should book an appointment with and whether or not to go through your GP.
If you are finding you need more support than friends or family can give, it may be time to look around for qualified support. There is nothing to be lost by going online and reviewing what help is out there. Just check any apps or online providers are clinically-backed and that therapists are qualified.
Your therapeutic journey may have already started; it may just be time to get professional help for the next phase on your road to recovery.
