The Minister for No Fun Visits
At the Ministry of No Fun,the Minister for No Fun sits at her kitchen table a bit despondently this morning as most mornings. A grey dawn has broken with the promise of a grey day and she would have lain in if it hadn’t been for the inconsiderateness of the garbage crew who have disturbed her fitful slumber, woken the animals ,excited the clearance of bronchial secretions and other crude ablutions up and down the cobblestone lane that the Minister resides on .
She is so appalled that the thought once again dawns on her to lobby the council on this and other related civic matters .She is annoyed enough that she determines to compose the letter of protest this very day but first the animals must be attended….fed ,toileted, chastised like naughty children, (for barking when they shouldn’t have or barking too much ,for chewing the chair legs and numerous other misdemeanors from which they are not permitted to escape) .
The animals cringe at their mistress’s censoriousness but quickly forgive and forget as dogs do when breakfast is served….a compilation of dry pellets left overs and burnt porridge…not too appealing but who are they to complain ,although when they have finished and are led into the yard one starts fractiously to chew the other,s ear out of annoyance at first ,then irritation and then sheer spite. There is only so much an animal can take.
So she sits at the kitchen table in her red dress in an attempt to brighten up the dull day but it didn’t make much of an impression last night at the dinner for that author bloke and it only manages to evoke a reddish shade of grey this morning as she sits and contemplates various other annoyances of a personal nature. Some she will intervene on today and others she will stew over with friends swapping the gossip in endless speculation about motive and fact and who said what ,before offering her own concise analysis of the situation and before attempting to put it all to right in the most well meaning way which is after all one of the duties of the Minister for No Fun.
“No no no Minnie No ,….. No. Teddy no no no …bad dogs …..”she blurts out
as one chews the others ear and Teddy defecates on the floor in protest.
The meal last night hangs vapourously in the air.By all accounts it was a mockery of the culinary art. The ingredients refused to combine in any palatable way while the aproned lady of the house languished at the sink overwhelmed by domestic incapacity. Her female guests did rally to her aid to some advantage,while she smirked coyly, helpless and embarrassed .
This morning the kitchen is a depressing sight…an abomination of dirty dishes, opened condiment packets ,exotic foodstuffs from oriental shops and scraps of organic produce .She surveys the carnage of the previous night and finds no inspiration there… none, and what is more there is shopping to do.
As she prepares to engage the broader society who will no doubt see her passing by in her distinctive oversized tricycle she checks off items on her list. Her grey roots will need to be redyed black and her hairstyle remoulded, the red dress dispensed with(what was the girl thinking?)in favour of casual jeans and a drizabone .A touch of lipstick and oral freshener should complete the makeover for the vet nurse, schoolteacher, sheepfarmer ,bon vivant ,member of various literary and artistic coteries, adviser to friends and foe alike ,a well rounded woman (although she could lose a few pounds)…The Minister for No Fun ,in short , in search of some.
The dog on a lead ,the wicker basket in the wire basket on the back of the oversized tricycle with the tinny bell…off she goes to the village …with a sigh.
She is thinking of other peoples problems again ,
“ah!”,she exhales wearily, so many problems. so little time .. will the Ministers work never end…if only she wasn’t so selfless, then she would have some time for herself…might call in on Elizabeth Rowling on the way …she wont be doing anything …
As she pedals along she has a vision of herself pleasantly at odds with the girl from the farm although she sometimes yearns for those simpler pleasures,rubbing shoulders with the shearers, eyeing off their muscly bodies dipping and herding and crutching the sheep . No ! she sees herself on a sled pulled by huskies through a winter landscape filled with girlish romance and breathless expectation.Its a far cry from the Riverina.
Tring Tring she flicks the bell as she pedals along to Elizabeth Rowling’s ,‘good old bottled sunshine’George at the Montague Hotel calls her .
“ I,ll see what I can do to burst that bubble of ridiculous optimism and toughen her up a bit, for her own good mind you ,that’s what I’ll do. I didnt like that Jack bloke she’s hooked up with the first time I laid eyes on him.”
“Oh! Hi Sal “Elizabeth greets her at the gate as the Minister fusses and bothers and ushers in her big booby of a contraption and all its attendant paraphernalia and the dog with attachments.
Minnie who loves Elizabeth gallops up to her like a sheep and bounces off the soft part of her belly and licks her hand furiously at which the Minister declares that she would never let a dog lick her.”Do you know how many germs there are in a dog’s mouth?” the ex vet nurse remonstrates. Minnie jumps up on the leather couch and snuggles in and the Minister endures the indulgence until she can endure it no longer and tells Elizabeth Rowling that she should not allow the dog onto the furniture and that she should not lead the dog into bad habits that she will regret. She reminds Elizabeth that she has worked hard to bring Minnie to this point (ten kilos overweight and recently on deaths door as a result of pancreatitis).Her powers of self delusion exceed all comprehension.
They go on to discuss dogs and sheep which is what country folk do.
Jack tells a story about his kelpie who he let out into a paddock once and observed how the dog instinctively set about rounding up the sheep. The Minister for No Fun
is displeased at this and declares one by one everything that was wrong about it which includes cruelty to animals ,endangering life and property ….”it was fun at the time …”Jack pleads pathetically but the Minister is at pains to point out …
She dillies she dallies she fusses and flusters and uhmms and arhhhs as if all present should hang expectantly on the air she breathes and at last she leaves with her paraphernalia to head back to the Ministry for No Fun so that everyone can thankfully start to have some.
“Must have a drink… for your birthday Lib…. “she trails off (it’s already a few days gone ) as an after thought,… she’s just being thoughtful again.
Minnie stays for a trial run because Elizabeth plans to adopt Minnie and the dog is so happy she nearly wags her tail off with delight.
Back at the Ministry, the Minister is yet again disappointed that things havent quite panned out as she would have liked .
“No No Teddy no… bad dog, naughty dog ,no….
In her absence in protest perhaps or like a spiteful child who knows better Teddy has pooped on the floor again.
