Gluek’s Giant Pretzel, Minneapolis
Here’s what my wife and I did with our final hours of 2015: We finished our PubPass tours, fled downtown before the chaos began, set our alarm clock for 11:45 p.m., slept for two hours, woke up, and played our favorite songs of the year. “Uma Thurman” by Fall Out Boy for her; “Control” by Halsey for me.
We kissed at midnight, all three of us (it’s not a kiss in our household anymore unless you’ve got a whippet wedging his snout in and slipping his tongue into our mouths), and went back to bed.
It was the deepest sleep of the year, a knockout made possible in part with the biggest pretzel we’d ever laid eyes on. It’s $15 and made of everything your fad-dieter friends condemn, but damn was that ending happy!
Ladies and gentlemen, the giant pretzel at Gluek’s.
TOP TO BOTTOM: Salt, pretzel, board. Yep, it’s too big for a plate so they serve it to you on a cutting board.
HEIGHT: Stood up, it’s as tall as my wife’s head. You hear that a lot, though, huh? That burger was the size of my HEAD! That guy’s fist was the size of my HEAD! That scoop of ice cream was the size of my HEAD! Have those claims ever been backed up with visual evidence? Keep reading. We’ll get there.
WEIGHT: It’s made of bread so it’s light. That said, I’d estimate 35 pounds.
NUTRITIONAL INFORMATION: Some gluten probably.
ENVIRONMENTAL IMPACT: Minimal. This is no secret. In fact, they’ve a life-sized model of it pinned up behind the bar.
ONE HOUR EARLIER/LATER: We were at the 508 Bar and the Freehouse, respectively, wrapping up our 2015 PubPasses.
WAIT, YOUR WHAT? Our PubPasses! You’ve never heard of this?
You get a passport-like booklet for $25 that scores you a free beer at 25 different spots. They appear to be sold out for 2016, so it looks like we missed the bus, bus here’s this year’s bar lineup just for funsies.
WHAT’CHA DRINKIN’? Gluek’s lager. Duh.
ANALYSIS: While my wife questioned whether our powers combined could finish it, I questioned if it could sate the two of us by itself. I won, so we also dialed up mac-n-cheese and mashed potatoes.
Underestimating this pretzel was my last misstep of the year.
This is bulk. This is the nose tackle that requires two blockers because he can overtake one by just leaning forward. Despite that, it’s prepared wonderfully. The shell is hard, but not tough, and gets you to the salt happy place without needing any brushed off. The insides are soft, and soaked up sauce famously.
It was the kind of challenge you imagine when you say you want to be challenged at work.
The mac and the potatoes were both solid, good portions, good prices. The pretzel came with beer cheese soup and honey mustard for dipping; and, in the last big upset of the year, the honey mustard was better.
With the apps gone and the pretzel half gone, we decided it was time to ask for a box … then spent the next two minutes eating half of that half. Since there’s no point carrying the weight of our viscera AND the ignominy of stopping this close to the finish, we cleaned up. I TURNED MY SELF-CONTROL INTO A PILE OF ILL-FITTING POLOS, ASK ME HOW!
We were in and out in less than an hour. With our final boxes ticked off, and the hoi polloi soon to descend on downtown, we zipped back to Plymouth for one more nap and a kiss with our dog. The end.
STILL GOT TIME? Check out the largest pizza we saw in 2015, as well as a morning-long, five-course bonanza in Eastham, Mass., that ended with a dog treat for dessert.