4 Hot Tips to Get Your Biker Body Out of Shape In Time For Summer
Motorcycle season is right around the corner, which means it’s time to bid farewell to closed shirts, and say “hello” to the open road! Unfortunately, it’s also the season for stressing about your figure. If you’re anything like me, the anticipation of growling choppers, studded leather, and bloody bar fights evaporates like so much bandana sweat when you catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror and realize the bulbous biker body you flaunted last year has eroded down to a laughably low-risk BMI, leaving your XXXL chaps flapping in the wind. *GULP*
Well, park your anxiety in the garage, because The Minute Light has got you covered better than a sleeveless denim jacket. You don’t need to bust your ass for months to get that diabetic ex-con physique. With these simple tips you’ll be breathlessly heaving yourself up into the saddle in no time!
Stay Seated!
As a biker will tell you, his hog is an extention of his body. Which raises the question: why get off? You need mass, and every moment you spend supporting your own weight is a moment not spent hoarding calories in that hulking gut. Start taking your chopper everywhere you go, and I mean everywhere! Ride it next door, ride it into your living room, ride it right on through the Cracker Barrel gift shop to pick up your salt water taffy. If the lady working the register gives you lip, just lock eyes, push down your Anaconda Photochromic Wraparound Shades and announce, “This is my mobility scooter.” VROOM!
Need More Fat? Get a Tat!
OK, so you’re not hitting your target weight this year. It’s not the end of the world; all you need is the right tattoo. It’s a closely guarded biker secret: etching an optical illusion onto your skin will trick the eye, nudging that beer belly from big to blob. (It turns out tattoos aren’t just for letting the world know you like racist birds of prey!) Just be sure to use the cheapest pigment possible to maximize that washed out, I-got-this-from-a-hobo-in-exchange-for-a-jug-of-wine aesthetic.
Slather On The Sunblock!
It’s common knowledge that tans have a slimming effect, but did you know pale, blotchy skin has a fattening effect? It’s fine to let that bloated belly spill out of your vest as long as it’s covered in SPF 50! Maintaining a pallid, sickly hue will accentuate the flabbier areas of your frame, while strengthening the impression you abuse alcohol and prescription painkillers, or what we in outlaw community call the “biker glow”. OOH LA LA!
Believe In The Beard!
Tell me if this sounds familiar — you’re hunched over a meth-addled hooker in a truck stop bathroom trying to ignore the smell from the blocked toilet when she looks back over her shoulder, puts in her dentures, and hisses, “Nice single chin”. WHOOPS! It turns out all the physical activity in the off-season has withered away your flappy jowls. Don’t eat asphalt just yet. A bushy beard is just the thing to keep your biker buddies from spotting your disappointingly defined jaw line. I know what you’re thinking — I don’t have time to grow a Gandalf-level chin pelt! Worry not, because I’ve got your back — a back that contains a full reserve of wiry whiskers. Put them to good use! Using clippers and some common household wood glue, you can construct a facial merkin out of your back hair so realistic even your probation officer won’t recognize you!
With these handy tips you should be on your way to looking your lumpiest this summer. So crank the throttle and ride on, road warrior! The only thing that can stop you now is cardiovascular disease.
