America to Spend Birthday Alone in Room Sorting Some Shit Out

Citing a desire for some alone time, the United States of America has announced it will spend a quiet 4th of July away from all the noise where it can just chill, clear its head, and do some much needed self-inventory.

Instead of fireworks and barbecues, America is currently struggling to make it through one 24-hour period without any humiliating emotional fireworks or flame broiled diplomatic alliances.

241 years ago today the United States declared its independence from Great Britain, a separation that is simultaneously historic and so goddamn lonely sometimes it hurts.

It’s a day for cheering “the rockets’ red glare, the bombs bursting in air”, yet no one thinks to ask why America is always fighting and pushing everyone away? Do they believe it’s fun to be so isolated? Do they ever stop to consider that perhaps America would prefer to simply be a normal country that could join an EU, or a BRIC, or an OPEC and not be weighed down by impossible expectations?

Glorious history aside, America is well aware that it has let itself go to seed, and dwelling on those past successes only fuels the cynicism and self-loathing that lead to a WWE wrestler being elected to its highest office.

Please respect its request and let America spend this Independence Day on its own, meditating on how shit got this bad. And probably listening to some REM.